Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

I Want it That Way, Raquel: The Bachelor Recap

When we last left off, everyone was in crisis over the departure of Liz the promiscuous doula.  Nick decides to “be real” with everyone or whatever, so he pulls everyone aside individually and has twelve different variations of the same conversation.  You could make this part into a spin-off show called Nick’s Confessions: Deep Thoughts From Aside an Ikat Pillow.

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In this conversation with Danielle, Nick tries to tell her he finds her intriguing except struggles between “intrigued in” and “intrigued on”.  This gets an audible chuckle from me.  He is much smarts.  Nick tells the camera how well everyone is taking the Liz situation and says it “speaks to the quality of these women.”  LOL.  Quality.  Heh.  Heh heh.

Meanwhile in Corinne world, our seductress is hard at work plotting her next adventure.  Today she has decided to place a beige trench coat over her nude self and treat Nick to the ol’ whip cream trick.  Do you all remember how that went for the girl from Varsity Blues? It goes about as well as that.

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Nick plays along in a very forced, begrudging way.  It was pretty awkward to watch.  Jasmine wanders over and Corinne departs from the dog bed, the Reddi-wip sadly discarded behind her in a hilarious metaphor.

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Corinne goes upstairs and sobs until her eye makeup has become a sea of sludge.  The rose ceremony moves forward as planned while Corinne sleeps off her shame.  Contestant Jaimi tells the camera she is so worked up about the rose ceremony she is having chest pain.  These people need to take long, long looks at themselves in the mirror.

Commercial time.  I’m treated to a quick headline/teaser for the local news at 11:00, a horrible price I have to pay for watching this show.  I consider local news to be one of mankind’s most depressing inventions.  Even if you don’t watch it, they still manage to ambush-depress you by interrupting your pleasant evening with those horrible teaser headlines.  Area man sets fire to nest of blind baby squirrels — the story at 11:00! GOD! You couldn’t find ANYTHING else to report on today?

Back in Bachelor world, the floozies are off for a group date with the Backstreet Boys.  NGL this whole segment was pretty great, even though I consider myself much more of an *NSync loyalist. Starting with the fact that I was able to nonchalantly and accurately place that asterisk without needing Google.  Bye bye BYE, mothereffers.

Anyway, the girls all learn a dance and get to pretend to be BSB backup dancers.  Corinne is back to crying in a bathroom because she’s still feeling some residual shame from her failed Reddi-wip fiasco, and because she has insecurity over her dancing skills.  Here is an exact transcribed excerpt from her blubbering:

I’m really self conscious now.  I feel like I’m not being myself but I’m trying really hard to be myself.  Because I’m trying really hard to be myself, it’s making me even more not myself.  — Corinne

I created this flow chart to help us conceptualize this phenomenon:

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During the next commercial break, we’re invited to ponder several queries– Do you want to date the next Bachelor or Bachelorette? Who needs DNA when you have Olay? I’ll take my chances with DNA, thanks though.

When we rejoin Corinne, she is chatting with the girls about her dreams of a boob jobs (“but like a tiny one”) and her beloved nanny Raquel.  (Can we please make #FREERAQUEL happen.)  For those who are wondering what a nanny could possibly do for a 24-year-old, Corinne treats us to a fascinating and thorough answer to this inquiry:

  • Keeps my life together
  • Makes me coffee
  • [Makes me] breakfast
  • Makes sure my bed is made every day
  • Makes my cucumber and and my like vegetable slices for lunch
  • Makes me lemon salad, she knows exactly how much oil, lemon, and garlic salt I like
  • Laundry and “Cheese pasta” (?)

Glorious.

Good grief, more commercials.  It occurs to me that I could spend the commercial breaks stretching or doing squats or something.  I ponder this possibility, but ultimately remain on the couch while Velveeta commercials slowly rot my brain.  I vow to do squats on the next break.

Next we’re up to Vanessa’s date.  They’re in some kind of zero gravity simulation chamber.  She barfs.  Heh.  They go to dinner, except Nick is mumbling and Jeff (my real life Nick) is in the kitchen making meringue or something with the electric mixer so I can’t hear much of this part.  It looked extremely boring.

More commercials.  I fail to make good on my squats vow.  Shocking.

For our final segment, another group of girls are doing a track and field athletic challenge, dubbed a “Nickathalon” (I just threw up some lemon, oil, and garlic salt in my mouth a little).  Celebrity athlete host is Carl Lewis, who Nick describes as “literally an Olympic hero”.  As opposed to a… figurative Olympic hero who is in fact a false construct of all of our imaginations?  Unclear.  But I’m intrigued on this.  Intrigued in this. Intrigued at this? Intrigued through this? GOD WHATEVER I’M NOT A LINGUIST I’M JUST HERE FOR THE CUCUMBER SLICES.

The episode closes hilariously when contestant Dominique, restaurant server, implodes in some kind of fit of insecurity and hysteria.  It outperformed Liz’s implosion even.  Sorry Dominique, text your boss Trevor and let him know you’ll be back at work on Tuesday plating lettuce wraps at PF Changs.  Let’s keep the tradition alive and pay respect to Dominique’s departure with a commemorative failure GIF:

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Until next week I remain your humble servant,

Sarah, 31, GIF Enthusiast & Professional Bachelor Recapper

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5 thoughts on “I Want it That Way, Raquel: The Bachelor Recap

  1. Hilarious!! Thank you for doing these! I’ve been off bachelor nation for 2 years now and these are just enough to satisfy the urge to stream them late at night.

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