Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

The Chad Bear: The Bachelorette Recap, Week 3

Sorry for the delay! Non-Bachelorette life commitments and all.  Just finished up the “two day Bachelorette event” on the DVR and WOO WEE, wild ride!

First up this week is Chase, a Medical Sales Rep.  They are off to a hot yoga class.  As a yoga professional, I am preemptively incensed that they will exploit the sacred art of yoga for LOLs.  Blah blah om om.  Boring date.  Chase is actually impressively flexible for a beginner.

Next up is a group date.  There’s an audience and a woman on stage talking about uncomfortable sex topics.  What is this? Vagina Monologues? Apparently it is in fact a show called “Sex Talks”, and the men are informed that they’ll be providing live material for it.  They are ushered backstage where they have 45 minutes to prepare a stand-up-style memoir to share.

The men return to the stage and take their individual turns.  Things get interesting.  Wells was part of a threesome– where he found not one but TWO volunteers for this activity, I don’t know.  He looks like he’s eleven and he’s built like a baby robin.  I actually think my biceps are bigger than his.  Daniel, Canadas for a living, has a fetish for snipping locks of hair from women’s heads.  Must be a Quebec thing.  Grant is talking about being 16 and texting girls.  I suddenly feel very old.  At 16 we were just beginning to appreciate the simple pleasure of Snake on a Nokia. Will Grant ever know this joy? I weep for the youth.

Evan chooses to interpret the assignment a little differently.  In lieu of sharing a personal story, he basically just roasts Chad.  Chad you’ll recall is the Roid Rage Realtor we got to know last week.  This goes predictably poorly for Evan and Chad roughs him up afterwards.  These people are animals.

Let’s talk about Evan.  YIKES! He reminds me of someone.  Can’t put my finger on it.  Maybe like some kind of tiny, less attractive, hipsterier Kevin Kline? Also this character from Wedding Crashers comes to mind:

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Backstage things are getting ugly between Chad and Evan.  The other men are encircling fragile Evan the way a zebra herd protects a foal in the presence of a predator.  Things continue to be awkward as they head into the after party, which is at like some kind of antique store or something.  Chad walks around muttering and talking to himself in mirrors.

Hilariously, Jojo bestows a rose on Evan.  Anyone with a fourth grade education knows this is the sympathiest sympathy rose ever sympathize.  Apparently Evan is not a member of this statistical population.  He’s jubilant.  It’s adorable and heartbreaking.  Chad asks Jojo, “Is this a real scenario? You’re actually right now vibing this dude?”.  I LOL because I am wondering the same thing, and as crazy as Chad is, it’s refreshing to actually see someone candidly call out The Bachelorette instead of slobbering at her feet.

James Taylor, Singer/Songwriter, goes on the next date. They swing dance. He wears Buster Brown saddle shoes and looks like some kind of 200-pound 18-month-old.    Uneventful otherwise.

Back at the house, Chad is venting about his problems to Daniel the Canadian.  Daniel is drawing analogies using several WWI/WWII political leaders.  In his ABC bio, Chad  describes his greatest achievement as “Being born good looking” so I’m pretty sure the Mussolini references are lost on him.  Instead, he busies himself eating a raw sweet potato and chunks of lettuce:

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He is like a large, angry chinchilla.

The next day, Chad finds out Evan whined to Chris Harrison about his aggression issues.  (Or, well, ABC stages it to look like Chris Harrison and Evan had an impromptu conversation about it.)  Chad is unhappy.  I rewind the DVR a ton of times so I can transcribe this quote with precision:

“I’m gonna cut everyone here’s legs off and arms off and there’s gonna be torsos and I’m gonna throw them in the pool.” –Chad

Chris calls Chad outside and tells him to cool down, a message he delivers as an unsuspecting inflated flamingo casually floats by in the background.  I LOL.  A still shot doesn’t do it justice.  Does anyone know how to make GIFs?

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Chad makes an attempt at peace, and says everything will be fine if nobody talks to him.

“It’s not a wise decision to poke the Chad bear.”  –Chad

Jojo does the elimination ceremony and sends home a few guys we knew were on the chopping block.

The remaining duders are off to my home state of Pennsylvania! Cool! Luke gets the first date and they go dog sledding (OMG THOSE PUPS ARE ADORABLE) and then sit in a hot tub in the woods.  I actually quite enjoy Luke, although he always seems so morose and serious.  I mean look at this guy, he is like hating his life right now:

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We’re up to a commercial break.  Do you think you have what it takes to date the next Bachelor or Bachelorette? You mean, like, herpes? Or a barren, vast void where self worth normally could be found? I’ll pass.

For our grand finale, Chad and Alex go on a two-on-one date.  For those unfamiliar with the show, this is where one individual gets an immediate boot at the end of the date.  Also, you have my sincerest admiration for living a life without this TERRIBLE SHOW THAT I CANNOT LOOK AWAY FROM.

Jojo calls out Chad for being violent. Another fantastic exchange:

Chad: I haven’t touched anyone!
Jojo: Yea but you’ve threatened to beat people.
Chad: So that they would be quiet?
Jojo: That’s not the way to handle it.
Chad: If you have a better way I’d love to hear it.

OMG.  Jojo sobs and wonders if he is just “struggling” with his mom’s death.  She’s a wonderful, empathetic soul for thinking that.  She says she knows him as a “sweet, sensitive guy.”  Who will throw your torso in a swimming pool.

Jojo ultimately sends Chaddypoo home.  He takes it not well.  Consider the Chad Bear POKED! Now at this point in the show, the ousted gentleman would normally see his way to the Airport Van of Rejection, and proceed to cry and call his mom.  But Chad, as it appears, is vengefully walking through the woods back to the lodge where the rest of the gentleman are staying.  We get hit with a “To Be Continued”.

Except did you catch that we have to wait TWO COTTON PICKIN’ WEEKS for the next installment? It looks amazing.  I’m beside myself.  Another episode down, another 5,000,000 brain cells down the potty.

 

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2 thoughts on “The Chad Bear: The Bachelorette Recap, Week 3

  1. I’m so glad you captured the essence of the sweet potato and lettuce. Thanks for the good laugh this morning!

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