My friends, another season is upon us. I can’t tell you how much joy washed over me when a few weeks ago I remembered it was almost Bachelor time. I swear it’s the only thing that gets me through the winter doldrums.
My spirits were dampened when I remembered The Bachelor was Ben, who is about as exciting as dry pasta noodles. But there he is in all his forgettable glory, rocking a delightful little Forest Gump haircut that looks like it came from the $8 place except he had a coupon from the back of the grocery store receipt so was a steal at $5.99. Ben starts us off with the usual introductions, taking us on a tour of his lame Indiana hometown. We go meet Ma and Pa Higgins at their quaint little lakefront bungalow. They are sitting in lime green Adirondack chairs and drinking beverages from clearance Pier One cups. SO BASIC. Ben’s dad is pretty hot. Ben’s mom cries. OK.
Next, Ben gets poolside group therapy from former Bachelors. Sean and Chris are as hot as ever. Jason looks like he is like 300 years old now. Actually he looks like a strange older version of Ben. He is like the Ghost of Bachelor Future.
Enough with this snoozefest, Ben. Bring on the floozies!
Caila: “Sales Rep” (read: flunked out of Strayer University) who likes to paint still life. Seriously this season could not get boring-er if it tried. Jubilee is a war veteran, not sure how that differs from a regular veteran? Hailey and Emily are twins. Their occupation tagline reads: twins. Amanda: esthetician, divorcee, has a daughter named Kensley or Kinsley? Samantha: has a sob story, can’t snark on her or God will smite me. Tiara: chicken enthusiast. Any relation to Tara the fishing enthusiast from last year? Tiara’s favorite chicken is Sheila, who sleeps in her room.
THIS SINGLE IMAGE ILLUSTRATES WHY YOU MUST WATCH THIS SHOW:
Here come the flooziemobiles– it’s time for some introductions!
Lauren the flight attendant hopes he’s ready to take off. My eyeballs break from the force of their roll. Caila leaps into his arms. Lace makes him close his eyes and then kisses him– not to be a buzzkill but isn’t that, like, assault? Shushanna is speaking in a foreign tongue. Is that Portugese? Because she sounds like Aurelia from Love Actually. That’s the only guess I could come up with. I is intelligunt.
Joelle “Jojo” arrives in a unicorn mask:
When she takes it off she says to Ben, “That must have been super frightening.” Ben replies, “It’s not frightening. Its, like, normal.” Yes, Ben, it is LIKE normal.
Maegan is a cowgirl who likes to barbecue with her pet horse, Breanne disapproves of gluten, Rachel is unemployed. “Unemployed” is actually a considerably more admirable occupational description than “Twin”. This is the bar for success in this show.
Ben calls his dad when he’s all done meeting everyone. He puts him on speaker so we can all hear. His dad is much better at speaker phone than anyone in my family, whose conversations usually sound like:
Hi! Hi hold on let me just put you on [indistinct clattering]
[oven timer goes off]
MOM TAKE ME OFF SPEAKER!!!
Next up is the Obligatory Bachelor Plot Twist™. Becca the Fungus Sucker Fish is back.
Seriously seriously seriously you guys I don’t think I can keep up my job as a Professhonal Bachelor Blogger. I just can’t deal with her. If I was being interviewed off-scene right now I would tell you how I LITERALLY think she is the worst and I LITERALLY can’t tolerate her boring self and I LITERALLY was made to believe I’d never have to see her again after last year. Feh! She is accompanied by Amber, bartender, also apparently a star of a past season but I have no recollection.
Gawd. What else. The rest is predictably boring. Jojo is a house flipper but describes herself as a “real estate investor.” Mmhmm. You know she is like on the highway median pounding a sign into the ground– We buy any house!— except the sign is like the torn-off side of a cardboard box and it’s written in Sharpie and the “E” is backwards and if you call the number it says like Verizon! Error! Code! Nine! Nine! Four! Nine! [call ended]. Totally legit.
Blah blah blah yes we get it, Lace is the requisite crazy villain who will keep everyone’s attention for the first few episodes until it gets good. Mandi will fill the role of the friendly but even crazier crazy. Please someone with industry knowledge tell me these kind of people are just devices planted by producers? It scares me to know that these people walk among us.
Rose ceremony time. He shuffles through Becca, Amber, BOTH twins, and BOTH crazies. Fortify me, o friends, I don’t know if I can get through this another week!