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Actually Television is One of My More Fascinating Pursuits

This Thought Catalog piece popped up on my Facebook the other week.  If you don’t feel like reading it, and I don’t suggest you do because it’s tripe, the gist is that the author is super interesting and adventurous and not a lame boring person who likes to watch TV.  She makes a long list of requests and suggestions for how a partner can keep up with her special self. I found it positively adorable… like oh bless your heart sweet pea, you are like twenty two and so cute and have no idea that in 10 more years, your relationship will be boring like the rest of ours.  The comments are fantastic too– in particular I enjoyed “In 55 years, your horde of cats will devour your corpse when you die miserable and alone” which made me laugh out loud and wake up the baby on my chest.  Anyway, please enjoy this rebuttal.

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Take me on an adventure.  Surprise me.  Wake me up and fly me to Tahiti on a whim.  We’ll sleep off the jet lag on porcelain beaches.  Or maybe just take me to Home Depot.  I’d go myself but I’m nine months pregnant and can’t lift the bag of mulch.  But wait I need a mocha.  Pull into the Dunkin drive thru.  If I recall, my app said something about a free muffin today.  Or was it a breakfast sandwich? Man I hope not.  Really looking more for a muffin at the moment.  No it’s fine, trust me the line moves fast.  And I recognized the woman working the window.  She’s good.  Keeps you moving.

Tell me everything.  Your dreams, your desires, your fears, the times you’ve felt most alive.  Ugh wait hold on let me resolve this situation with the two-year-old first. Where are your underwear? Hey! HEY! WE WEAR UNDERWEAR ON THE SOFA! THAT’S A RULE! 

Take me to the library.  Let’s check out every foreign film they have and binge watch them.  Light a fire and read me Dickens as I rest my head on your lap.  Or just text me links to Wheel of Fortune bloopers and GIFs of people wiping out on diving boards.  They’ll hold me over until we see each other again and I can tell you how I peeled a clementine in one fell swoop.

Let’s be spontaneous.  Let’s peruse food trucks at midnight or stay up all night cooking a gourmet meal together.  Or take me to Red Robin because I still have this coupon from it being my birthday.  Wait this coupon is for a free burger? Didn’t the birthday coupon used to be for an onion ring tower? I forget.  Listen to me during the car ride as I intensely debate between beverage indulgences– a Rookie Cookie Shake or a Mango-Rooty-Tooty-Rita? How can I possibly choose between an alcoholic indulgence or a whole milk and Oreo indulgence? It just can’t be done!

Pick up the phone when I call you, just because I can’t go five more minutes without hearing your voice. Or because you’re at the store and I forgot to tell you we need yogurt.  No listen it has to be Yo Tots, they have a sweet $20 Shutterfly coupon printed on them right now.  No not Yo Baby.  Not Yo Kids.  No come on it’s THERE, trust me. Dude just look for the one with a big orange coupon on it! No no if you hit the kefir you’ve gone too far.

Kiss me in the morning when I wake up.  Push my hair behind my ears and whisper my favorite Bon Iver lyrics in my ear.  Next, listen to me when I complain to you that the DVR deleted our child’s favorite Daniel Tiger episode. No, no sir, don’t tell me it auto-deletes because your Steve Bartman documentary has been on there for 3 years but my college gymnastics seems to disappear after 10 days.  Just please can you fix the settings? Well I COULD do it myself but you know I don’t know how that stupid thing works and do you think I don’t do enough around here already? Seriously? Just please, OK?

Talk to me.  Captivate me.  Fascinate me.  Tell me about your childhood rock collection, or the smell of the grass on little league opening day.  But first let’s talk about Thanksgiving because my parents are asking already.  Well no it won’t be that bad if we leave early.  Well 2011 was an exception.  Well we can’t worry about weather that hasn’t happened.  Well just take a half day from work then.  Well we’ll just have to revisit this later I guess.

Never stop being captivated by my physical beauty.  Notice my ankles in sling backs, the softness of my angora wool sweater against my skin.  Actually wait don’t come near me with your work clothes on.  My boobs leaked milk all over my Panhel Recruitment 2005 shirt.  And what the– what else is on this shirt?– are her diapers leaking AGAIN? That’s the last time I trust Target brand.  Bunch of swindling jerks over there.  Those favorable online reviews were from Target plants! I’m sure of it!

Take me somewhere unexpected.  Make me an all-day scavenger hunt, ending with a picnic at our favorite park bench.  Ugh wait are his underwear STILL not on? Seriously? Excuse me! EXCUSE ME! UNDERWEAR! NO CURIOUS GEORGE UNTIL THEY’RE ON!

Explore with me.  Let’s drive out of town, find an abandoned mine and take in some stalagmites.  First we’ve got to go to this 3rd birthday party.  No I TOLD you about this, I’m sure.  Yes you know his parents, I’ve introduced you to his mom like four times.  No she’s Evan’s mom.  No she’s Ethan’s mom.  Come on I know like EVERY one of your coworkers and their spouse’s and kids’ names, do you have like ANY interest in my life? Yes I’m sure you’ll be fed.

Never let our fire burn out.  Let our only fights be about what Italian province to visit, or who drank the last PBR.  Whatever happens, let’s never fight  because I unplugged your phone charger to accommodate my hair dryer.  (Omigod for three minutes!) Or because I didn’t properly cover the toaster oven pan with foil and it got all oily and burnt.  (Omigod don’t have a cow it’s not the end of the freaking world!)  Or because I filled up the gas tank and forgot to swipe the loyalty card.  (Omigod it was fourteen degrees I just wanted to get it done!) No, that will never be us.

Teach me.  Let’s learn together. We’ll spend the day brewing our own beer while you tell me everything you know about the French Revolution or the politics of Eastern Europe.  Actually disregard that, just pour me a glass of whatever variety of Barefoot was on sale and let me tell you about being yelled at by a 90-year-old woman for accidentally blocking the celery with my cart at the grocery store.  And speaking of the grocery store, what is with the bulk foods aisle lately? Am I the only one who thinks apricots would really lend themselves better to a scoop than tongs? Someone’s going to be hearing from me on this.

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