Oooh baby, the day is here. Time for the Women Tell All special, which is totally the highlight of the season and do not lie to yourself you love it DO NOT LIE TO YOURSELF.
Our intrepid host Chris is back to hold our hands through this journey. I love his adorable lil’ polka dot tie. Chris and Chris hit the road to make extremely planned visits to Bachelor viewing parties across the nation (errrr I’m sorry I mean “crash” and “surprise” mmmm hmm yea eye roll). I fast forward this part on the DVR. Deal with it.
First commercial break. Ugh my phone battery is low from playing solitaire all day so I have to go upstairs for the charger so I can take pictures of my TV which is SO much effort and apparently tonight I have problems with using run-on sentences as stylistic devices. Deal with it.
Next my mom calls. “Are you watching this?!” DUH MOM do you forget I am a PROFESHSHINOL BACHELOR BLOGGER? But I’m behind on the DVR so shhhh. “I haven’t watched it since that time I watched it with you. I’m watching some awful woman [Kelsey] now. They’re all nuts!” Mom I’m so sorry I brought this into your life.
OK next we’re off to a strong start as we begin Deathblow: Britt vs. Carly. It’s hard to take sides on this because they’re both kind of terrible. Britt cries like a fourteen-month-old; Carly I went from not liking, to liking, back to not liking because she just turned into an obsessed villain at the end. I don’t know what else to summarize because they basically just fight like sixth graders.
Do you remember I was putting like cucumbers like on my eyes from my salad ’cause I had been crying so hard? –Britt
Here is a Britt visual. Just stare at this for two hours and that was pretty much the experience of this program:
Jillian weighs in (she’s #teambritt). Don’t know what else to say about this woman except that she’s scary aggressive and I will cherish forever the moment she went home in a blaze of humiliation.
Chris loses control (“Girls, hold on!”) and all twenty of them continue a cacophony of bickering as we slip gracefully into another commercial break.
Now we’re back with Kelsey. Groan. She begins by blowing her snot into Chris’ silk paisley pocket square. That is a true story. Don’t really know what else to say. Broad’s crazy. And brilliant, but in the craziest way possible. I can’t believe this woman counsels people psychologically for a living. Is there a licensing board or something I can contact about that?
How do you evaluate humanity? –Kelsey
Now it’s time for Ashley S., onion hunter. Say what you want, she looks hot tonight in an Old Hollywood kind of way. I love her white and silver chevron dress. She gifts Chris an onion. Absence has made my heart grow fonder; she is growing on me tonight. Chris asks her about her conversations with cats.
It was not cats. It was one cat. It didn’t reply. –Ashley S.
Chris asks that she consider joining them for Bachelor in Paradise. Does anyone watch this program? I tried once. It could not be stomached. There was just no way. I feel like a person could catch STDs just watching it on TV. Go make a Kickstarter and raise $300,000 for me and I will recap it for all of you.
Jade and her pair of fake boobers are up next. Pretty uneventful. Jade was always in pretty close to Becca on the snooze-o-meter. “Wants closure” blah blah blah. Kaitlyn too is uneventful and has the same closure-seeking agenda. Gals, this is hard to hear, but the answer is that Chris liked other chicks better than you. Sorrs. The other chicks are Becca the asexual fungus sucker fish and Whitney the Fertility Muppet who herself must be illegally sneaking Clomid shots from work because she’s so crazy desperate I have to just assume she is in a constant state of hyper-ovulation. You lost to these individuals. I would cry for myself too.
Here comes Chris! ::disco dancer emoji:: I swear I could write a whole case study on this man. He officially bothers me now. I loved him on Andi’s season, and he looks just like Bruce Springsteen that is to say SMOKIN’ HOT, but I actually now find him to be a really emotionally checked out dude. What do you think? I’m fascinated.
Anyway he comes out and Britt is doing this sad puppy cry/clap that makes me LOL. She goes to hug him and must have something on her hands because she gets crap all over the back of his suit coat. What was that? I think it was from wiping her tears when she’s wearing so much freaking makeup. Britt you’re from California you know how mudslides happen. Does ABC cover dry cleaning when distraught floozies get gunk all over your nice farmer clothes? And/or when floozies blow nasal mucus into your pocket square?
The last few rejected chicks get turns confronting Chris and cry and “need answers” and Chris just kind of sits there with his eyes twitching and eeks out a few words (“UhhhhIdontknow Uhhhitsjustthat UhhhhhhHHhhhhhhH OK BYE”). Really, he is a PRIZE.
At last we’re up to the blooper reel which made everything worth it. In particular, the footage of Chris laughing juxtaposed with the dolphin squeaks made EVERY moment worth it. Correction, the announcement that Chris Harrison wrote a romance novel (took me a few minutes to realize this was for real) made every moment worth it. I will one million billion percent be reading this.
Next week is the three-hour finale. I’m so exhausted thinking about it that instead of beginning to author this, I sit on the couch in an unproductive stupor not playing solitaire on my phone (JK playing solitaire on my phone) and having my mind blown by this cat on Youtube. Bon soir, amigos. See you next week. ::more disco dancer emojis::