Firstly, sorry that I slacked off and didn’t do a recap last week. Four hours of Bachelor between Sunday and Monday was just inhumane. I felt like I had completed an Iron Man of The Bachelor and I was just too emotionally exhausted to revisit all the painful moments again. I was like collapsed at the finish line and never wanted to type the letters B-R-I-T-T ever again. Also don’t Google the naughty Jade pictures. I went straight to Google Images thinking it would be like tee hee here I am in a swimsuit and instead was like OHGODOHGODOHGOD *throws phone across room* *runs to the emergency eye wash station in the chem classroom*
So, here we are this week. The description from Direct TV: Chris and the remaining three women travel to Bali for overnight dates; Chris has a meltdown about the upcoming elimination; the final two women are revealed. Let’s do this, big boy.
Act 1: Kaitlyn
Chris shows up for their date in jewel tones and white sneakers. They walk around the local Bali scene acting like idiot Westerners. They go to a monkey park. Technically they’re macaques but much like my two-year-old, Chris’ zoological wheelhouse is probably restricted to farm animals. I smile happily when he gets attacked and peed on by one:
Kaitlyn is drawing some kind of analogy about how the monkeys’ zeal for bananas is like her own quest for love. Monkey analogies like 5 minutes in and I’m expected to last another hour and fifty five minutes? No sir. NO SIR.
We’ve made it to the first commercial break. Would you like to date our next bachelor or bachelorette? No.
We’re back just in time for Chris n’ Kait’s awkward dinner date. Chris says she is shaking just like she was earlier. I love that these people in their bizarre universe are planning to be formally engaged next week yet still are shaking with nerves in each other’s presence? In a normal relationship this is when you could, like, fart in front of your partner and it would not be a thing. I’m going to keep watching this horrible program until the first on-screen fart. This is my solemn vow.
Anyway, Kaitlyn recites the usual script about she is falling in love but scared and vulnerable and BLAH BLAH really I’ve heard this exact set of buzzwords at this exact moment like 1,486 times in this show. In a development shocking to no one– recall Kaitlyn made her national television debut with jokes about walrus/seal sex– she chooses to forgo her individual room to stay with Chris in the fantasy suite.
EWWWWWWWWW back to the emergency eye wash station
Act Two: Whitney
I have to say, Whitney the Fertility Muppet has totally won me over. She’s mature, she’s articulate, she has a job requiring intelligence, she always looks cute in her bright colors. I still think she comes across a little desperate but really there’s only so much you can expect from these broads. Whitney runs up to Chris and embraces him with the Obligatory Bachelor Reunion Leg Wrap™. They are going on a date on a… pirate ship I guess that is? OK. They cruise around a little and then– again, has happened approx. one billion times on this show– hold hands and plunge into the water. Blah blah. Back on deck Whitney apologizes for her TOTAL JERK of a sister who wouldn’t give Chris her marriage blessing the first hour she met him while he was still dating three other chicks. Trifling saboteur!
They head off for the awkward dinner component of the date. Whitney assures Chris she is ready to dump her life/job to become Arlington, Iowa’s 401st citizen, adding if she moved she would be immediately “ready to have babies.” A grin sweeps across Chris’ face in the biggest display of emotion I’ve seen from him yet this episode. Hoo boy. Chris Harrison’s pimp note arrives and Whitney too will be joining our resident randy farmer in the fantasy suite. She has a bubble bath drawn too but it’s just, like, plain water without multi-tonal rose petals. WHAT? This is supposed to be a FANTASY SUITE, PEOPLE, not some kind of depressing lair of reality. Good LUCK you two.
Act Three: Becca
Oh man. Becca makes me want to quit my job blogging about this stupid show. She’s so effing boring to watch. Like, the woman would be just about as good of a partner as like a garden hose or ficus plant or a pet fish. Not like an interesting pet fish but like the weird vacuum fish that blended into everything and just slowly sucked the fungus off the bottom. She has this horrible monotone, rarely makes facial expressions, and seems not happy about anything. Even last week when Chris went to her house, her family basically described her as some kind of strange hermaphrodite who didn’t really seem attracted to other humans. Despite the two of them having zero chemistry at all, Chris digs her. I don’t get it.
Anyway, Becca shows up today in her best Umbra shorts.
They go to some kind of temple to visit the village medicine man. The village children are sticking their heads above the wall laughing and snickering. Kids I’m RIGHT there with you my little friends. The rest is predictably boring and awkward. Becca accepts the fantasy suite invitation but because she’s a virgin I guess the tub is filled with ice cubes or something. Finally she tells Chris there’s “something she needs to share” with him, something that’s “a big deal”. She then awkwardly pauses for a long time as she struggles to spit it out, and Chris is so nervous you can hear him panting like an injured mammal into his mic. I do kind of feel for him in this moment because we all know what she’s going to say, but the way she is drawing this out he’s got to think it’s something REALLY bad or awkward. Chris I don’t know how to tell you this but I had gender reassignment surgery two weeks ago and I’m not medically cleared for intercourse. Chris I don’t know how to tell you this but I did ten years for racketeering, migrant smuggling, and theft of motor vehicles. Chris I don’t know how to tell you this but I’m your biological mother.
We’re now an hour and fifteen minutes in. Stay strong, sisters, STAY STRONG!
Act Four: Rejection
Chris’ balcony reflections and therapy session with Chris lead us to believe that Becca, her tan lines, and Umbra shorts are toast. Schweet! It’s time for the rose ceremony. It’s at another temple thing and Chris n’ Chris are wearing some kind of ceremonial garb that looks more like Saturday Night Fever II: Indonesian Nights.
Chris calls Becca aside for a private chat and I’m giddy. The moment must be here! (“You’re out! Finished at Faber! Expelled!”) But, in a plot twist that I don’t understand, she talks her way back in. It’s unclear if Chris just wanted to have one more conversation with her to decide, or if he was trying to dump her and she really did change his mind. Regardless, I’m unhappy. Kaitlyn instead is chosen to go home. Chris’ last gesture of chivalry is pulling open the sliding minivan door for her. LOL. Walruses worldwide honor her with a moment of silence.
Join me next week when all our favorite floozies reunite for the Women Tell All special!