Act 1: Back on the Floor with Kelsey
When we last left off, Kelsey was having some kind of faux-mergency on some floor. We resume our enjoyment of this. Some Australian EMT is attending to her. Like eleven seconds later she’s made a full recovery; she’s sitting up with an oxygen mask and back to stressing out about roses. These women. No words. At any rate, it’s clear Kelsey has assumed the role of Chief Nutterbutter In Residence.
The girls are back to being upset about not having a cocktail hour. Ashley I. blubbers, as Ashley I. will do. Now we’re at the rose ceremony we were deprived of last week. Does anyone see Jade shivering behind Kelsey? Going home are Samantha, no idea who this person is, and Mackenzie, mother to Kale and hero to alien abduction believers everywhere. I accept the unfortunate reality that Kelsey and Ashley I. will remain a part of my life for at least one hundred twenty more minutes.
Act 2: Floozies Do Deadwood
The entourage packs up and heads for the Black Hills of South Dakota. What the heck is going on with the travel schedule this year? Normally this is when they’d be in Bali or Prague or something. Have there been Bachelor budget cuts? Hey whatever happened to that sponsorship with Suave where past Bachelorettes would appear in those ads getting their hair done and reading those awful scripts? Those were great!
Anyway, first things first, let’s all watch Chris wander around this new city and offer his expert insight. He struts down the street and says he feels like a “tough guy” here in Deadwood. Chea mmm hmm. Not twenty seconds later (literally) we see him in this state:
Wow. Much tough. So vintage bubble bath. Wow.
Act 3: Becca’s Date
Becca, 25, chiropractic assistant, also a virgin apparently, is going on the week’s one-one-one date. It’s so boring. The only things she has going for her is that she’s super hot, dresses tastefully, and isn’t wholly repulsive. That’s our standard for success on this show. If you can manage to not be a wholly repulsive human being, then you have an edge on half the contestants. Sad.
Here is her promo from ABC to tell you what kind of intellectual capacity we’re working with here:
Meredith Grey. Mmm hmm. U R deep.
So blah blah they ride around on horses. The saddles conveniently have little cameras affixed to them. Later they sit by a campfire and roast vegetable kabobs. Interesting culinary choice, producers. HR Rep Chris is back asking about 5 year plans. Becca says she want 5 kids. LOLZ. Becca, start with one and see if you’re still prancing around in those skinny jeans and booties and effortless beach waves. I do get a lot of pleasure fast forwarding 10 years to Becca on the farm with 5 kids: JAYDEN JOLEEN JUNIE GET YERSELVES OUTTA BED! Them there cows ain’t gonna milk theySELVES!!! Jasper and Jayson git on up to the hen house and check the girls for impacted eggs! YA HEARD YER MAMA NOW GEET! [spits some Skoal] [scratches right butt cheek] [breaks neck of chicken to cook for breakfast]
Act 3: Group Date
About 6 girls show up for the group date and we find out they’re going to be writing and performing their own original country songs. Celebrity mentors are Big and Rich. This could be good.
They sit in a bar together and everyone sips beer and writes their songs in little notebooks. Jade is having some kind of meltdown about how difficult this is. She’s near tears. This chick has zero ability to overcome life adversity. Come to think of it, I think this is the person who told the story on the first night about how she cried about having difficulty finding a parking spot. How is she still around? Jade, dude, how difficult is this task? I will do it for you. This goes to the tune of Bingo:
There was a farmer who had a dog and Chris-o was his name-o
Not so hard. Next it’s time to hear the finished products performed. Most of the girls take it too seriously and it’s uncomfortable to watch. Carly is the only one with maybe enough talent (remember her occupation is cruise ship singer) to justify taking it seriously. Happily it’s over and they all retreat to have cocktails together.
This part is always so boring. Intrigue is added this time because Chris whisks away Britt (for an hour, we later find out) to go see Big and/or Rich perform, and to receive a rose in the process. We notice Britt is wearing glittery leggings with giant holes in the thighs. Good life choices as always. When they return, the rest of the chicks are ragey at having been abandoned for so long. Kind of understandable. Chris is basically like, SORRS DEAL WITH IT and bounces. I’m actually starting to think this guy’s kind of a douchebag. A douchebag in sheep’s clothing. What’s my farm pun count so far? Like 6? I’ll stop when I get to 80.
Act 4: The Main Event
Here comes the best part of the night. We find out Ashley I. and Kelsey will be battling to the death in a two-on-one date. For those unfamiliar with the show, two-on-one dates are Bachelor gold. The dude takes two contestants out and eliminates one at the end of the night. The upside of this is that we know one of these horrid women will be leaving us tonight. The downside is that we know one will be staying. OR WILL THEY?
The girls and Chris fly in a helicopter to, I don’t know, like a stretch of desert plains or something. It’s kind of creepy. But it’s OK because there’s this awkward cabana waiting for them:
The rest of this plays out as expected. Ashley throws Kelsey under the bus to Chris, Chris calls out Kelsey and throws Ashley under the bus, Ashley and Kelsey have a cat fight (“You and I both have our Masters and I have it from a good place.” –Ashley), and Ashley cries. As Ashley is crying to Chris, he stops her and tells her he doesn’t see a future and she’s headed home. Ashley goes out as expected, in a blaze of continued hysterics and stomping.
Here’s where it gets amazing. Chris goes back to the Awkward Cabana and tells Kelsey that Ashley went home. She assumes this means she has claimed victory. Just as her crazy manipulative self reaches fever pitch (“Oh I’m sorry. That’s hard. That’s a loss.”) Chris tells her that– GLORY GLORY HALLELUJAH!– she too is toast!
Now we witness possibly the most baller exit ever. He leaves the two of them stranded in the desert to (presumably?) be picked up by some kind of ground vehicle, while he himself gets back into the helicopter. Gets back into the helicopter WITH the unclaimed rose sitting next to him. I have no words except HAHAHAHAHA OMG
OK, Kelsey is evil and nuts, but I do feel a little bad that she’s at home watching this part. When the girls back at the hotel find out Kelsey is going home, they explode with joy. “LET’S GET DRUNK!”–Kaitlyn
Apparently next week is a two-day “television event” starting on Sunday. I don’t know if I can stomach two nights of this. Can I take a personal day?