Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

On the Topic of Jillian’s Buttocks: The Bachelor Recap, Week 3

Oops, 24 hours late this week! News producer Jillian would be quick to point out that the story has probably passed me by.  My only excuse was that I thought this week was pretty much a snoozefest so I didn’t even end up with much in my snark notebook.  And now I have the added problem of my scrawled notes making less sense 24 hours later.  It’s making me recall fondly my workin’ days– I used to sometimes have to take minutes for meetings and calls and whatever. I noticed that if I walked back to my desk and immediately typed the handwritten notes, everything was so fresh in my mind that I could recall the entire meeting with precision.  Steve provided an update for PCBAs, indicating they had reached final negotiations with several vendors and that the outsourcing projects were on target.  They have put out RFQs for other BUs within CAS and should have an update between October 5-12.  But more often that not I’d put it off, as is my way, and by the time I sat down to do it nothing made any sense and my memory was gone.  UHHHHHHHHH Hi.  So.  Here’s what I know.  This person and maybe like twelveish other people came here last Wednesday I think it was.  Words were exchanged, as I recall.  Maybe like a Powerpoint or something? Unclear.  I remember a platter of sandwiches.  THANK YOU MEETING ADJOURNED RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED XOXOXO SARAH

Nevertheless– Open the snark floodgates!

Preface: How is Ashley S. Still Here

I’m giving this two weeks and then hurling the TV into the closest river if this woman is still around.  This week she seems to have cut herself some bangs, which I guess you can DIY when you’re a hairdresser as she is.  But WTF purpose does she think this serves, like it buys her a new identity and we forget everything we’ve witnessed? Like, she is Harrison Ford in The Fugitive? WE KNOW IT’S YOU ASHLEY.

Also FYI: Jimmy Kimmel is guest starring as the host this week.

Act 1: Kaitlyn’s Date

Hopefully we all remember Kaitlyn.  She’s the one whose first utterance to Chris was that he could “plow the [bleep] out of my field anytime”.  kL@s$y.  Kaitlyn’s outfit for her big date night: high-waisted sweat pants, ivory sports bra, Brawny man shirt.  Sure go with it.  Kaitlyn and Chris leave in the limousine, drink champagne, and chatter happily about what exotic destination they are likely off to. They keep going on about the “high ceilings” given as a clue in the date card.  What’s funny is the date card said “vaulted ceilings” but four letters is just a little more intellectually manageable for this crew.

Kaitlyn and Chris cannot hide the disgust and devastation on their faces when they find out they have been taken to Costco to buy provisions for a dinner with Jimmy Kimmel that night.  No joke they are really worked up they have to live like the rest of us for an hour.  Thank God there camera crew will be there to follow them around lest others confuse them for regular folks and not *~*ReALiTy TeLLYviSioN SuPaHsTahS*~*.  They mill around Costco acting like idiots and it’s boring.  Chris describes the date as “weird” and “not the most ideal”, but indicates they “made the best of it” while adding he “doesn’t know many girls who could handle a date like this.”  Wow, she “handled” walking around Costco for sixty minutes.  That’s the kind of natural talent you don’t see every day.

OK now they’re back at some random patio for the dinner with Jimmy Kimmel.  Insipid conversation is exchanged.  Chris is supposed to be grilling but it’s just like a George Foreman with a to-go tin full of chicken wings or something (?)

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Date ends like most The Bachelor dates, with Kaitlyn and Chris making out in a hot tub with their respective glasses of liquor flanking them.  Your parents are proud.

Act 2: Farm-themed Group Date

Well it was only a matter of time before the farm-themed date happened.  The girls assemble and are made to run through an obstacle course involving corn husking, goat milking, pig wrestling, and tearing through a chicken coop to find hidden eggs.  The stuff involving the animals makes me ragey because these girls are CRAZED and are showing no gentleness to these poor animals.

Jillian, for the second time this episode and I believe third time this season, is wearing bottoms yet has a black censor box over her butt.  She is horrid.

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Carly the cruise ship singer, who I also can’t believe is still here, wins.  She too is horrid.  Her maturity level is consistent with that of an 11-year-old.  As part of her victory package, she and Chris dress up to recreate the American Gothic painting.  Jimmy asks if they know what the painting is and I wish Chris hadn’t rushed in with the answer, because I would have loved to see Carly here…

The guy from the salad dressing? Something Newman?
No.
Wait wait wait I know… Dwight Eisenhower.
No.
Vin Diesel in like a Civil War movie or something?
Just take your rose and see yourself out.

The girls and Chris retreat for a group cocktail party.  More insipidness ensues.  The girls take turns hurling themselves at him.  Very uncomfortable to watch.  Very boring.

Anyone catch this terrifying facial expression by Makenzie though?

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Yikes. Moving along…

Act 3: Whitney’s Date

Ahh, back with Whitney the fertility muppet, who WEEPS when she finds out she’s going on the next date.  Doesn’t seem like something that a desperate nutter butter would do.  Nope not at all.  Whitney is OK… style is decent (comparatively), maturity level seems fair (comparatively).  I can’t get over the voice though.  They go to, I don’t know, some dumb vineyard.  They decide to crash a wedding going on at the vineyard thing. I hope the producers gave this poor couple some kind of monetary reparation for letting this train wreck of a show into their wedding reception.  Since people recognize Chris they decide to lie and say filming is over and they’re engaged.  UMM…. yea… ZERO chance Whitney is crazy enough to actually continue to think of this as her reality.  Whitney says something like, “Imagine we do get engaged at the end of this, our first date will always be how we pretended to be engaged! Wouldn’t that be crazy! We’ll laugh about it forever LOL!” See, it’s starting already.  FARMER CHRIS, RUN.  Or leave on a tractor or a cantering horse or something agriculturey but GO DUDE.

Whitney closes by saying it’s “the beginning of a journey that will last a long time… a lifetime.”  Errrrrm yea or like 2-4 more weeks if you’re lucky.  Sorry.

Act 4: Pool Party and Rose Ceremony

Jimmy informs the girls that instead of the usual cocktail reception, they’ll do a pool party.  Ashley I, the eHow contributor and alleged virgin you may remember from last week, is distraught.  “I was so excited to do like my Kardashian look tonight, but I now I just have to look…” Words leave her and she trails off with frustrated eye rolls and hand gestures. EVERYONE PLEASE PRAY FOR HER.

The rest of the cocktail hour plays out amusingly.  Jillian, news producer/Crossfit idiot/rug tripper/she of the unclothed buttocks, plays the role of the cocktail party bully.  She holds Chris captive in a hot tub and won’t let other chicks approach them.  Ashley I. is more angered by this than her missed opportunity to try her Kardashian look.  She stomps away, is sobbing in her bikini, drops her cup, wildly spews nonsense to the camera… girl is a hot mess.  My little Direct TV descriptive blurb for this episode says “A bachelorette has a meltdown” so I think we’re up to that part.

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“I don’t know I just feel like I was supposed to…”

CHHHRRRRRMMMPPHHHH [crying girl deep snotty inhale]

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“I would have done… what…….” [collapses into hysterics]

Now… can I touch on this for a moment? As much as it pains me to analyze the juvenile back-and-forth between these morons, Jillian was being a jerk and I couldn’t believe Chris didn’t try to be a fair mediator.  He hasn’t spoken up during similar past scenarios either.  The dude needs to take some charge here.  Doesn’t he manage livestock for a living?

Off to the rose ceremony.  The rest of the people who haven’t picked up much screen time are going home.  I like this part of the season where we know everyone pretty well.

Jimmy does a pretend ride in the Airport Van of Rejection and mocks the women hilariously.  This part made it all worth it. See you next week, hopefully on time!

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2 thoughts on “On the Topic of Jillian’s Buttocks: The Bachelor Recap, Week 3

  1. My wrap up was about the same as this. This season is not shaping up like I thought it would and Chris is very disappointing in his choices. Jimmy Kimmel was worthless, EXCEPT the crying in the limo at the end. Here’s hoping this season gets better…and soon!! You Rock!!

  2. Pingback: Bachelor League

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