Act 1: Kimberly Redux
For those not familiar with the show, here’s how it works when a chick gets kicked off. Chris Harrison breaks the news that all the roses are done givin’ out, and the rejected chicks should “take a moment and say their goodbyes.” They give The Bachelor a sad hug, get into a sad van with a camera waiting inside, and sob about their misfortune on the drive back to the airport. When we last left off on week 1, rejected contestant Kimberly, yoga instructor, was eschewing the usual way of things and stomping back to the house to beg for a second chance. #dignity.
So, Kimberly goes back into the house and pulls Bachelor Chris aside to tearfully beg for a second chance. Chris is looking all kinds of awkward about this. My husband Jeff, a not-so-closeted fan of the show, astutely points out that this is where Juan Pablo would let out an “aye aye aye.” Very true observation. Astoundingly, Chris gives in to the crying and begging and lets her stay. I have a lot of fun analyzing the political strategy of this show and this is a dangerous precedent to have established. Now every rejected bimbo is going to think they can pull this stunt. I hope the producers hire some extra bouncers because those girls are going to be kicking and screaming their way into the Airport Van of Rejection from here on out. Oh my God it’s going to be like effing Crocodile Hunter alligator wrestling trying to shove them in there. I predict lots of blurred crotches.
Act 2: Group Date 1
A bunch of chicks go on a group date. Starts with a Bachelor staple, the pool party. Chicks ride around on Chris’s shoulders blah blah. No one will stick their head under and wreck their hair and make up. They are so secure about themselves. Blah blah boring.
Meanwhile, back at the house, two of the chicks go over to look inside the house Chris is staying in. Jillian the news producer is wearing bikini bottoms yet has a black censor box on her front and back. That is impressive. Not sure what she paid for those bikini bottoms but she’s not getting a good bang for her buck. The other chick with her, I don’t know one of the blond ones, puts on Chris’ motorcycle helmet and is deliberately ramming her head into the fridge and assorted walls. NOT A JOKE. LOOK.
These chicks, I swear. They make the job of a satirist remarkably easy.
Meanwhile, back at the boring date, they’re up to the next activity: a tractor race. The producers have set some kind of speed restriction on the tractors so they are going, like, slower than a person would jog. This is a wise decision given the general intelligence level of this group. Ashley I, freelance journalist, wins. I think her definition for freelance journalist is she wrote like two articles for eHow.com, probably “How to make chocolate milk” and “How to do palm readings on cats.”
Despite Ashley’s victory, it’s dental assistant/Kale’s mom Makenzie who is chosen to split off for the one-on-one part of the date.
Act 2B: Makenzie’s Date
They go off for drinks at, what is that, like Lone Star Steakhouse? I don’t know. Makenzie isn’t totally terrible, but she’s also 21 and doesn’t have a lot of depth or conversational ability. Some actual quotes from her:
“I’m like super observant”
“You have such a perfect like good nose it’s like perfect.”
“Do you believe in aliens?”
Chris admits to detecting “red flags” but decides she will get a rose and thus stick around til next week.
We cut back to the group date girls who are all feeling sad they didn’t get chosen to go off with Chris. Whitney the fertility muppet actually seems like Marie Curie compared to Makenzie. It’s refreshing to hear a few full, coherent sentences.
Act 3: Megan’s One-on-One Date
Megan, makeup artist, is chosen for the next date. They do another Bachelor staple, the flight in the helicopter/small airplane to some romantic vista somewhere. In this case, the Grand Canyon. Jealous. Megan doesn’t bother me a lot, I like her earrings and her choice of color to wear, and she seems like an adult. It’s nice that she just walks onto the airplane and the helicopter like a normal human without having a panic attack and blubbering into the camera about how afraid she is and how much she hates heights. I swear every girl does that and it’s supposed to make them adorable and get them comfort snuggles from the Bachelor, I guess? It just makes them look like six-year-olds to me, but whatever.
Captions help us hear her deep thoughts:
She keeps repeating this for the next 70 seconds. Once they get to their little picnic area, she tells a heartbreaking story about her Dad’s death, so I will stop snarking now. She’s awarded a rose so will stick around for next week too.
Act 4: Group Date 2
Back at home, an envelope arrives listing the participants for the next group date. Describes Amber, bartender, “My heart literally pumps every time I see one of those white envelopes.” I hope it does, Amber. Overuse of “literally” is an all-out epidemic among the contestants, but I’ve noticed Amber’s case is especially unfortunate.
The girls load into the limos and we find out their date is a zombie-themed paintball fight. OK. The girls don’t know this yet; they arrive in the dark and the zombie actors are scaring them by popping up to the limo’s windows. The girls are freaking the eff out, screaming, scrambling away from the windows and clutching each other– all while still enclosed in the limo. The comedy is actually pretty good here and both Jeff and I are cracking up. I think if you went to Petsmart and went up to the aquarium containing the gerbils and started whacking on the glass, you would see the same effect.
Meanwhile, back at the house, some chick Jordan is in a bathroom giving a twerking tutorial. Go for it, girl. I don’t remember her from last week but she is captioned as a student, 24. She’s also the resident drunk it appears.
Whoops, her first attempt results in her falling over drunk:
Let’s try again…
Ahh, better! Let’s all politely applaud for her like we’re at a football game and the injured person got up.
Back to the group date, blah blah blah they do their paintball fight and then move on to the cocktail hour component of the night. Ashley S, AKA Crazy Eyes II who against all odds made it past the first night, is truly an unhinged individual. I know she’s supposed to be the one we laugh at and say is LOL SO CRAZY, but I feel weird about snarking on her because she is a legitimately mentally ill individual.
The rest of this cocktail hour is painful to watch. I want to fast forward the DVR badly. In the interests of maintaining the integrity of this recap, I press on. #ethics. Pay me in Target gift cards, ALL OF YOU.
Act 5: The Rose Ceremony Draws Nigh
OK, we’re now up to the cocktail hour preceding the rose ceremony. I always like this part of the episode. Let’s see, what nuggets do we garner this time. Ashley I, eHow contributor, reveals to a small group of girls that she is a virgin and has never had a boyfriend. In the next breath she is off with Chris showing him her “Princess Jasmine belly button ring” (her word-for-word description, not a joke) and telling him he can have three wishes if he rubs it. This seems, how you say, a touch inconsistent with her preceding admission, so who knows. Fertility Muppet Whitney gives Chris a bottle of whiskey as a gift. No, really, LITERALLY, this woman could be an understudy for Abby Cadabby. Jordan, she of the drunk twerking tutorial, has an extremely uncomfortable encounter with Chris. I’m filled with shame to admit I share her tastes, but I effing love the ivory dress she’s wearing.
Act 6: The Rose Ceremony
The highlight for this ceremony is Jillian, who mistakenly approaches Chris thinking she heard her name, when he actually summoned Juelia. In Jillian’s defense, every time I see “Juelia” (pronounced same as Julia) on the screen, my brain thinks “Joo-ELL-lia”. I think 46% of the population must share this misconception so well done, Juelia’s parents. As if that wasn’t bad enough for Jillian, when she realizes her blunder and tries to turn around, she slips on the carpet and goes down:
I would actually feel bad for her but remember this is the chick from last week who bragged about how great she is at Crossfit, so in that case HAHAHAHAHA!
The third component of her embarrassment, a veritable hat trick, is that she has to go back and straighten the rug. CLEAN UP YOUR MESS, YOU ANIMAL:
Headed for the Airport Van of Rejection are: Jordan the twerker, Tara the fish enthusiast, and failed second chance Kimberly.
Tara takes it not so well:
“That will haunt me for the rest of my life,” she says.
“Find a hobby or occupation or some kind of purpose for your life and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad,” says this commentator.
See you next week.