The Holiday Letter You Won’t Be Getting

This is satire. Don’t be offended.  It’s healthy to laugh at yourself. 

Hello, friends and family!

We hope this note finds you well and wrapping up a year that was just as amazing as ours was.  Here’s a look at what our family’s been up to in 2014!

First off, as you can see from the card, we finally splurged on a professional family photo shoot. Believe it or not, the kids were better behaved than Doug was! He was such an embarrassment with all his questions.  What are we doing in the woods? Why did you make me wear these ridiculous suspenders? Why are you making me drag along this pumpkin and random piece of furniture? How much is this costing us? You didn’t go into the Fidelity account for this did you? He figured out later that I did so that was a bit of a pickle to work through.  But I’ll tell you what I told him: professional photos in the woods let people know that you’re better than them. And can you really put a price on that? No you cannot.

Otherwise, Doug is doing great! He is still loving his job as a senior systems engineer at Lockheed Martin.  This year they have added a new consultant to his team and Doug has really been thriving acting as her mentor.  Some weeks are stressful for him, and by Sunday night he is just on edge as he gears up for another Monday. It’s like I sneeze the wrong way and next thing I know we’re in another fight! His questions are never-ending.  Do you really need 20GB of data? Is it time to talk about scheduling my vasectomy? Why are we spending $300 a month for a CSA when all you do is take pictures of it and then just take the kids out for Chipotle and frozen yogurt? He spends the rest of the night silently watching football and texting Melissa from work.  Men, right?!

The kids are just amazing.  Wainwright is in second grade, can you believe it? He is doing great at school, making lots of friends, and keeping busy with lots of activities.  This season it’s modeling, improv troupe, and steel drum lessons.  He begs and cries to just play soccer, but as you parents out there know, sometimes eight-year-olds really just need a wise parent to make these decisions for them, you know?  I mean, his modeling agent is just blown away by his raw talent.  The industry is cutthroat right now but we’re thinking a few more years and he might have a serious shot at getting placed with J.Crew or at least Sears.  Sometimes I see him in the back of the Odyssey, nibbling sadly on a Lara Bar, his iPad resting in his lap as he stares wistfully at the soccer fields out the window.

Our little Wellington has just turned two! He is a delight and definitely keeps me busy.  He’s at a great age where I can just sit him down with a Stonyfield pouch and a Kindle and he will watch an episode of Dinosaur Train while I curl my hair, catch up on Twitter, and take a quick picture of my Tory Burch flats.  He also loves getting his photo taken! He used to be such a bear about it.  But now he seems to spot my iPhone pointed at him (I think the Chevron pattern attracts him) and he instinctively stops what he’s doing, gives me a look that can best be described as resigned acceptance, and then goes back to what he was doing.  (That spirit of cooperation will really take him far in life I think.) My Facebook friends just love getting their Wellie fix, what can I say!

And for those who may not have heard, we welcomed our sweet baby GIRL, Witch Hazel, back in September.  She is just our darling, and you should see the way Doug dotes on his little princess.  He’s come a long way, since last year he wanted nothing to do with a third baby! Yep, he was back at it with the questions.  Did I really want to commit to a lifetime of parenting a third child, or did I just want professional birth pictures? Do I know he lays awake at night so paralyzed by the pressure of all of it that he struggles to find breath? He’s always had a flair for the dramatic.  Well, nature decided for us when we received the surprise of a lifetime that we were expecting again! I’ll tell you what I told Doug about Ortho Tri-Cyclen: it’s not perfect.  It’s definitely not perfect when your iPhone runs updates and uninstalls the app that was reminding you to take them.  And there’s a limit to what I can remember on my own– hello, Mom Brain! Oops.

As for me, the kids keep me busy! I’m also proud to say I’ve grown an impressive Instagram following this year and I’m using my platform for an important cause: raising awareness about the epidemic of Instagram users who’ve had their accounts disabled for posting nude photos of their beautiful, innocent children.  Big Instagram will tell you it’s to “prevent the perpetuation of child pornography” but we know what it really is: crushing our civil rights and stifling our artistic expression. It’s truly the Apartheid of our time.  Follow me on Facebook to join the fight.

This spring we have an amazing family vacation planned to Turks and Caicos.  Doug originally vetoed that idea too, but I say who doesn’t have $15,000 in credit card debt any more? Live a little! You only live once!

Anyhoo, that’s us in a nutshell! We wish you all the happiness that we’ve had this year.  Best wishes for an amazing 2015!


12 thoughts on “The Holiday Letter You Won’t Be Getting

  1. “Did I really want to commit to a lifetime of parenting a third child, or did I just want professional birth pictures?”


    More like this, please. Fantastic. And god, let’s both agree to kill the ameliorating disclaimers. Since when does satire need a warning label?

  2. The husbands are always the worse when it comes to picture. “Honey, I hate getting my picture taken too… suck it up!!”

    Also, Witch Hazel??!! Wonderful name… it is so beautiful and in application, so useful!!!

  3. This is hilarious! The sad part is, I know people like this. Birth pictures?? Seriously – who does that? I know who, and that’s embarrassing…

  4. Hahaha! I get letters like this every year. As if the constant Facebook feed updates aren’t enough to at least get an idea of what is happening in everyone’s lives 24/7! lol

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