Firstly: an update on the great mantis/butterfly war. I had way too much fun watching the poll results develop. I think I want to incorporate one of those in everything I write from now on. It’s a fun way for all of us to be little interactive internet friends without having to out yourself as a commenter if you don’t want. Here at Bend it Like Becker, we are ALL ABOUT stalker-friendly options.
Anyway, my insects. Apparently others saw this as a true dilemma too, because the vote was nearly split down the middle, with Team Butterfly ultimately eeking out a victory. The thing is, my dilemma managed to resolve itself on its own, as nature has a way of doing for better or worse. The butterflies moved along. My mantis hung out for about another week and then disappeared as well. I read a little bit about the mantis and found out they don’t live through the winter anyway, so even before he moved along I decided I would let him live out the rest of his life cycle on his own terms. I actually grew to be fond of the little buddy. Maybe I’ll have a new crop of mantislets in the spring.
Ok, moving the blabbing along here. I’ve just been coming off a week-long sickness. It was terrible. Look, a mom whines about illness as if she is the first human to be affected by the common cold! Yep, that’s me right now, DEAL WITH IT. A week ago I got slammed with a nasty virus, then got a little better, then got worse again, then lost my voice for four days, then thought my sinuses might actually explode out of my face like the Alien movie. Finally I went to the urgent care place (on Halloween) and begged a PA dressed as Minnie Mouse for drugs.
I LOVE YOU ZPAK.
I had to go to the pharmacy to get it. You know it’s bad when I show my face at the WESTERN MEDICINE pharmacy and admit that I can’t solve my medical problems with JÀŠÖÑ products. (Actually I hate Jason products. Don’t buy from that man. Jason will sell you worthless deodorant and then laugh at you when you walk around smelling like a one-woman petting zoo.)
So I’m standing there at the grocery store pharmacy waiting for 20 minutes like a chump while they get me my ZPak. I was bored so I started reading the books they have in that little swivel tower at the grocery store pharmacy. I decided when I retire I just want to read grocery store pharmacy books. They are gems.
The page I randomly flicked to detailed the following story. A man was suffering from Alzheimers. His wife gave him a few tablespoons of coconut oil. Later that day, he made a full recovery. PEOPLE NO JOKE, IT SAID THAT. It also said medium-chain fatty acids kill the HIV virus.
Elsewhere in the grocery store they were doling out free samples of this product:
I love grocery store free samples. It’s one of life’s great simple pleasures, isn’t it? For some reason I didn’t think this would actually be kale. Kale is one of those trendy food buzzwords right now. Like quinoa. Food manufacturers know they just have to start with the smallest amount of “kale extract”, load the rest of the product up with rice flour, and sell it to you for $4.99. They know people will say, “hey that’s not so bad!” and it isn’t, because it’s 1% kale and 99% delicious filler carbohydrate. Mmmmmmmm.
So fancy my surprise when I bit into what I assumed would be a scrumptious white chocolate peppermint snack, only to cough and sputter and bellow “EWW THIS TASTES LIKE KALE!”. Except remember I had no voice, so the bellow was more of a violent squeak. I was actually gagging and had to cup my hand over my mouth to force myself to swallow it. This was truly one of the foulest things I’d ever ingested. Shocked and appalled, I asked to the poor 19-year-old girl staffing the operation, “Did you try this?!”. No was her reply, with an expression and head shake that suggested, and who would?!