Dumb Things I Did · Gather Round Children It's Story Time · Mom Stuff

The Things That Happened at the Car Dealership

The more senior of our vehicles (the one I drive) had to go in for some medical attention this week due to the facts that it was making noise, had a water leak, had one of those dashboard alert lights on, and was in general behaving in a busted manner.  It also frequently has hissy fits wherein it takes 20 attempts to start and I make a scene in parking lots, and recently I got to live out a lifelong dream of having a tire explode on the highway.  It was buckets of fun.  The old girl has her issues but we (mostly I) love her, and she has many more miles to go before I drive that Chevy to the proverbial levee.

As I mentioned on Twitter, this was a parental learning experience for me.  When I made the appointment, the place asked me if I wanted to drop off the car or wait.  They estimated it would take an hour and I elected to wait, because come on, the mini-toddler and I can manage an hour.  Anybody can manage an hour.  I think I have been watching too much Olympics and believed too strongly in my own capabilities.  When in doubt, assume you suck more than you think you do.

I brought a few books and toys, a sippy cup, and the backpack carrier– figuring if all else failed, I would just put him in there and walk him around (which he loves 99/100 times).  And you know, we did manage an hour.  What we failed to manage was the two and a half hours it actually took to resolve the HIGHLY COMPLEX car diagnosis of: NEEDING AN OIL CHANGE.

We spent that time in the “customer lounge” with a bunch of other adults doing adult things.  Playing on phones, reading, having conversations with other adults, watching the TV.  I burned with jealousy.  Meanwhile I was basically starring in a very humiliating public show of chasing my child around.

Sometimes I would have smug moments before I was a parent when I saw bad toddlers and children running amok in public places.  I would always ask the question in my mind: why aren’t you controlling your child’s behavior? PEOPLE, I WILL GIVE YOU THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION.  You can’t control the child because you are two steps behind the child, cleaning up the last mess they made before sprinting off to get into new trouble.

Here are some things my child did.  Peed through his diaper requiring a diaper and outfit change at the dealership bathroom.  Undid 14 months of cognitive development by watching Bethenny.  Went up to a woman’s office and mouthed her glass wall, as I frantically peeled him off and said “OMG LEAVE THAT WINDOW ALONE, LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL AND WINDEXY IT IS.”  Ran up to a Camaro on the show floor and grabbed a wire on it (YEP).  Writhed and shrieked as I tried to put him into the backpack.  Bit me when I put him into the backpack.  Pulled down my shirt when I put him into the backpack.  Squeezed open a thing of coffee creamer while in the backpack. (That I gave him to play with because I am not an intelligent person.  I am, however, a person who smelled like French Vanilla all day.)  Discovered a stack of brochures for upholstery insurance and flung them over his shoulder one by one.

In the lounge there was a little kid table with two buckets of legos.  At first, this was a sign of hope for me.  See, other women and children have done this before.  It can be done.  After round four-ish of my child dumping out the lego buckets, the lego table took on a new, grimmer symbolism.  In every scuffed lego, I saw the reflection of another poor mother who had made the bold and foolish attempt at waiting out the car service. I imagine it was like traveling in a Conestoga Wagon and seeing on your path a skeleton with an arrow through the chest.  Basically.

Actual text exchange with my spouse:

Him: Yea, car service sucks no matter when you do it.
Me: FALSE, I would be enjoying myself a great deal if I was alone.
Him: You can do it.
Me: I am actually going to cry.

As we passed two hours, my sanity began to further erode.  A gentleman said to me, “I think the little man is tired!”.  YOU WOULD BE CORRECT, GOOD SIR.  I decided much longer and I was going to approach the desk and ask for the car back, in whatever state of dismemberment it was in.  I would put my feet through the floor board and drive it home like Fred Flintstone if it would get us the eff out of here at this moment.

My name was finally called to the desk– twas from the very lips of angels!– and we were done.  When they  pulled the car up I felt like I had completed a marathon.  Like I should just drop to the ground from mental and physical exhaustion.  May all of womankind read this tale and heed this imperative warning.  Drop your cars.  DROP YOUR CARS!


14 thoughts on “The Things That Happened at the Car Dealership

  1. Laughing so hard, was afraid I was going to wake my husband up. Really need to learn to read blogs before going to bed at night. My sympathies are with you, having a cattle buyer husband who was out on the road a lot when the kids were littles, been there too many times to count. Definitely do not miss those moments.

  2. The creamer! I have sooooo done that. And I never seemed to learn. That’s why I had to burst out laughing when you called yourself “not an intelligent person.” I failed the coffee accoutrement test many times, but mostly in restaurants when I forgot to bring table toys. Great post. Sorry about the experience – – but what doesn’t kill us…..

  3. I am definitely feeling the invincibility from the Olympics, I am almost convinced that I can ski that good and would love to try, who am I kidding I would most definitely break something least of which my pride. The invincibility must be the reason I’m attempting to bring the little one to an appt of my own this morning, seeming like less of a good idea by the minute, wish me luck.

  4. So I just found your blog yesterday. Today, I open it up and you couldn’t have posted something more perfect. I am needing to service my car soon, and this morning was trying to convince myself that I could TOTALLY manage to do it with my 2.5 year old son, and 5 month old daughter. The last time I had my car serviced I was VERY pregnant, and I convinced the service managers that I could go into labor at any point. Needless to say my car was done lickety split. I’m pretty sure they had all the techs drop everything and all work on my car to get me out of their shop before they were faced with a laboring woman. This time though… I’ve been mulling over how to handle 2 kids, and no control over how long they take. And then I read your post, and just about died of laughter…. and decided I’ll get a family member to watch the 2.5 year old, and I’ll take the baby with me, because that’s pretty much how I think it would go down if I took the 2.5 year old with me. Thanks! haha.

    1. Ha! I only feel guilty being a source of… whatever the opposite of inspiration is. Haha. Uninspiration.

      I could never CONTEMPLATE having two children there, so just for considering that you have earned major street cred : )

  5. Sorry to laugh at your misfortune but this reminded me of the time my toddler and I waited with his aunt to get her oil changed. Nothing says fun like chasing your kid around expensive new cars for an hour and being scared shitless you will have to pay for damage

  6. Ok Im sorry but I had to laugh out loud and your description of things but I also felt SO bad for you.. LOL really I did… At the hour and a half mark I would have been steaming and would have demanded a loaner car.. What a morning you had..

  7. This was a great reading! I had flash backs to my own little ones. Trust me they grow fast. I remember changing a diaper before heading to work (Bad decision). Let’s just say that there was a reason that the aroma “Stayed” with me. Children can take us to a new area of thinking. But they are worth the ride! You are a great parent! Keep up the great work!

  8. Oh my god. I discovered your blog not too long ago and have really enjoyed reading your posts on what it’s like to be a mom. My husband and I have an 18 month old daughter so I can relate to a lot. THIS post has to be one of the funniest blog posts I have ever read. I got such a kick out of it. It is SOOOOO true!

  9. You are so funny…So enjoyable to read your descriptions and expressions. Want to read a whole lot more posts….keep going, your humour is catching, I feel like writing something funny, but may not have your talent. Good fun read.

  10. Amazing story. I love the humorous way you told the story. I also love the fact that you have a Chevrolet. Woo-hoo! New follower.

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