Mom Stuff

Motivated 12-Month-Old Seeks New Opportunities

Dear Hiring Manger,

I am pleased to submit my application for your Part Time Kitchen Assistant vacancy. I have 12 months of strong background in the home kitchen industry. My current supervisor’s selfish need to make me breakfast and hand scrub my sippy cups has resulted in an ability to work independently and make high-level decisions with minimal supervision. Although I am grateful for the experience I’ve been afforded, I am seeking a new environment where creativity and innovation are celebrated, instead of met with exasperated sighs.

I am confident you will see that my application outshines that of my peers. Here are just a few examples of some strengths I bring to the table:

  • Maintain impeccable cleanliness standards through the identification and consumption of stray pieces of dog food, remnants from last night’s dinner, and other varia.
  • Assist in loading and unloading the dishwasher wherever applicable. Recognized for expertise in selecting sharp objects from utensil basket.
  • Test structural integrity of kitchen drawers through application of body weight.
  • Work in conjunction with canine colleague to explore and investigate contents of trash can.
  • Perform routine removal and reorganization of the cupboard containing cookie sheets, muffin tins, and cutting boards.
  • Ensure quality standards by unloading and inventorying boxes of straws, ziplocs, picnicware, lunch bags, and napkins.
  • Maintain hygiene code by licking contents of recycling bin.
  • Attempt to clear obstructive devices blocking access to cupboard containing cleaning chemicals. The successful completion of this action item remains my top goal for professional development.

In addition to these core competencies, my talent has also resulted in me being called upon to execute various other special projects as assigned. Examples include chewing on refrigerator magnets, emptying the bag of dog food onto the floor, placing self in cupboards and/or the bottom drawer of the oven, upturning the dog’s water dish, and biting the thighs of those distracted while working at sink.

I appreciate your consideration and look forward to discussing my very robust skill set in person. My salary requirements may be fulfilled with cheerios, discs of banana, and watered down apple juice in an Elmo cup.

Thank you,
12 Month Old

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87 thoughts on “Motivated 12-Month-Old Seeks New Opportunities

  1. Made.my.day.

    Glad to hear that all is going swimmingly in toddler world (including all canine/toddler symbotic relationships)…I about spit out my own watered-down apple juice when I read the “12-month-old” part of the title. Where has the time gone?!

  2. Snicker snicker. I could add “digest contents off the floor and cabinets including but not limited to dishwasher soap, paper, dog treats, last nights pasta, and so forth. I am also a wiz at jamming fingers in drawers.

    1. Hee– I should have added that!!! Productivity may be interrupted because of a need to be picked up and given kissies because he closed a drawer on his finger or dropped a cookie sheet on his foot. Yeppp.

  3. “Attempt to clear obstructive devices blocking access to cupboard containing cleaning chemicals. The successful completion of this action item remains my top goal for professional development.”

    DYING.

    Also, your comment prompt is awesome.

  4. So funny!!! Now I’m left to ponder why my kitchen looks like your kitchen…since I don’t have a 12 month old! Mine are 4 and 8 and they’re still chewing on everything and hiding in cupboards!!! Unfortunately, as they get older their salary requirements include game for Xbox and trips to Disney World. Yikes!!!

    1. HAHA. Oh yes his talent definitely covers that area very well. I generally let him go at the folded laundry because at least it’s not a petrified floor vegetable carrying who knows what bacteria.

  5. Thought it was my kitchen! Well, my 3 year old daughter would have also baked her toy in the oven. We too have to keep things away from her exploration.
    She has now stopped looking into kitchen.
    Next is my Study Table 😦

  6. What about ability to reach those impossibly high counter tops? Has that goal been reached? And the manual dexterity required for opening the refrigerator and especially the ketchup therein?

  7. How did you manage to get a picture of my kitchen? At least, it looks that way. The mess is certainly one like my 14 month old makes.
    Well done! I enjoyed this a lot.

  8. Although my kid’s are much older, I remember the days of them walking around with a colander on their head. I hope this guarantees future employment. Hysterical.

  9. Ok this is just hysterical! I do not have children but can totally relate with my young niece. Great blog, love it.

  10. This? Is pure, unadulterated genius. I smell a book with more pithy “letters” inspired by your little one 🙂 And, btw? I’m thinking your kid is a bit of super smart so expect to be raising a future astronaut, president or Nobel laureate.

  11. Reblogged this on Sailing On Uncharted Waters and commented:
    So I just had to share this because it’s not just hilariously well-written and such a lovely way to, perhaps, air some frustration in a “constructive” way – but seriously, I’m thinking that’s a little genius kid 🙂

  12. This really is a genius way to add that needed humor to a mothers everyday kitchen chaos. Bitting your thighs is definitely a new one ill be on the look out for that w/ my 15 month old. Great blog!

  13. wonderful, I recently saw a post going around about a 10-month old’s Christmas List. It’s haunting to have someone write about my child, and apparently every other child to all these other mothers who seem to also have my child!

  14. Very funny! Sending to daughter and daughter-in-law. Daughter has 3, 5 & under, d-I-l has newborn. They need all the comic relief they can get!!😉

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  16. Made my day, awesome post! Chemical Engineer seeking avenues of advancement in the Food Industry. Evaluated new technologies, assessing the viability of various new environmental remediation tools such as: wet paper towels dipped in oj; bendable, ergonomic utensils used in food splotch kits and innovative mixology.

  17. I am heartbroken that I have no record of my achievements on my first birthday (30 September 1941). We should all be recorded on that day. I just know I would be a star, even without all those space age products. The coal in the scuttle! I just remember! I had completely forgotten!

  18. Nah! My little sister three years later had much better ideas… Her hidey house under the kitchen table… The pan and the spoon… Banging a one-note tune… I gotta stop this.

  19. Super Cute! I don’t have children (yet), but I saw my nephew go through that phase…and man did he have super teeth! Good thing there were only three of them when I was there to witness his mayhem.

  20. Thank you for your interest. However, due to current child labor laws in this country we have no vacancies for someone of your skill set. However, we do have subsidiary companies in India as well as China that do not have these restrictions.

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