I was working on an (extremely, extremely) overdue task today– going through some of my crap still in my bedroom at my parents’ house. I seriously wish I had five free hours that I could photograph and scan like 400 different gems for you, but ain’t nobody got time for that, so I am limiting myself to one exhibit.
World, let me share with you Volume XLIV No. 5 of my high school’s newspaper, the Panther Perspective. Dateline: May 1, 2002. Everything you are about to read is an accurate reflection of the historical record; nothing has been altered for comic purposes.
- St. Patrick’s Day Celebrated
- Ozzfest Summer Tour Planned
- E.T.: Extremely Touching
- In School Suspension: A Good Idea
- Student Fear Rises Only Slightly
- Team Makes Playoffs
- Vending Machines Popular With Students
- Science Fair Winners Take Awards Home
I know what you’re saying. It’s probably: that’s all well and good but a few well-placed puns would really enhance my experience as a reader. Let’s read on…
- Library Collection Adds Up
- Recycling Gets Trashy
- Baseball Swings Into Action
Here’s an excerpt from the article “Construction Underway”:
The $20.2 million construction project has been thrown some curve balls, but is, overall, on time, notes [name redacted], Principal.
Proposed alternate headline: I’M STILL LEARNING, HOW TO USE THEM PROPERLY BUT, COMMAS, ARE EFFING AWESOME!!!!
From page 3: “Students Stress Over Prom”:
[name redacted], manager of [local formal wear store], noted the popular styles of prom dresses this year. “I’ve seen a variety of style, but I’ve seen the most of full dresses and ones that are beaded.” Other popular styles include strapless, spaghetti straps, and halter dresses. [name redacted], senior, said, “My dress has thin spaghetti straps with a long train on the back. I like dresses with spaghetti straps or halter tops the best.”
BEADS! SPAGHETTI STRAPS! PULITZERS ALL OF YOU!
Here is my favorite. Also from page 3. “Cell Phone Poll” presented in its entirety:
Of the students who responded to the survey, 48% do own a cell phone and 52% do not own a cell phone. The majority of those who own a cell phone use it just for pleasure. One-third of students pay their own bills. “Cell phones are a good investment because they are good for safety,” said junior [name redacted]. According to senior [name redacted], “Cell phones are the wave of the future. They make it easy to contact anyone in any kind of situation at any time.”
Oh bless our little 2002 hearts. It was a simpler time. This piece also included a sweet accompanying graphic:
The white “No” line is hard to make out– but I am seriously cracking up that the two variables make the lines MIRROR IMAGES of each other. We’re so darn cute.