I suck at Christmas. I love me some holiday cards, as mentioned, but I am missing that female decorating drive that everyone seems to have. I debated (again) getting a tree but with there being a very real chance Frogson could make his appearance shortly, my preference was to have one less living organism on my client roster this month. I am thinking of just Google Imaging a tree and putting it up on Facebook to keep up with everyone else. It would be funny to see how many people believed me.
I did put a pretty wreath on the front door (again, only to save face with the neighbors). I could have probably have hot glued one myself for half of what I paid, but this year there is just no DIY. Only BIYFTCTIJNW. (Buy It Yourself From Target Cause There Is Just No Way).
SUB TANGENT: Target. Kind of annoys me. It’s like the prisoner’s dilemma. They have everything, none of it’s crazy expensive, so it’s a sure thing and you always know you can walk in and find what you need without paying too much. But they never seem to mark anything down and they never give out coupons. But I love it anyway. I HATE MYSELF FOR LOVING YOU, TARGET. Also, it has Starbucks. Well, like Fake Target Starbucks but whatever. I am always popping in there in the mornings. I get a little glimpse of my future because Target between 9am–10am is MOMMY CITY. For some reason I look at these women towing 3 kids and think, “It’s 9:14am, but you seem to have some kind of look that suggests you’ve already been awake for 3½ hours. Is that accurate?” Sub-sub tangent: I booked myself in late January for my regular annual physical post baby (they are a family doctor and will also see Frogson! Item checked off list!) and the effers stuck me with a 7:50am appointment. Of course at first I was like EWWW BARF 7:50 before realizing OMG I will have an approximately two week old baby at that point. 7:50 is going to be the equivalent of like… NOON. SOMEONE GET ME A PAPER BAG TO BREATHE IN.
I believe that was the worst paragraph I wrote in calendar year 2012. You are all now dumber for having read it.
Maternity clothes. How is it that my fetus weighs 5+ pounds and this week was my first adventure into a maternity store? I will tell you exactly how: 1. Ebay 2. my mom shops for me like I’m still 8 (thanks mom) 3. yoga pants 4. no more white collar job. This has worked out because we have no budget for tomfoolery like clothes I can only wear when pregnant. Starbucks, yes. Attire, no. But I had to bite the bullet because this weekend we are out of town for a work event for Jeff, meaning I have to go to receptions and make appropriate adult conversation (as in, not about kegels or my placenta or the TACO acronym story from birth class… AM I UP FOR THIS?). And accordingly I will need to spend a few hours away from my maternity leggings. (NEED THE PAPER BAG AGAIN.) I also needed this attire for a meeting I have later this week, a professional kind of meeting. (Pro… fesh…. shon… uhl? Again with the no talking about my placenta? Definitely not up for this.)
I had an awful time at the maternity stores. The attendant ladies latched on to me like… searching for appropriate simile… like a placenta latches on to a uterine wall? (DANGIT). I swear they stood outside the dressing rooms breathing heavily and asking me every 18 seconds how I was doing. I didn’t even find anything that didn’t make me look huge and ridiculous. I drowned my sorrows in a mocha and went home and ordered this in black, which has to be the most innocent, harmless black dress in the world. It has to look OK. Please look OK.
Oh, and back to having no budget… I got the dress for $0 because I used Baby Gap cards I got from my showers. I feel like kind of an awful person, but seriously we are broke, Frogson’s wardrobe is in way better shape than mine, and technically it is kind of like he’s wearing it too. Technically. I still feel like people would be mad if they found out I slightly rerouted the use of the funds. It’s like those goofball honeymoon registries. Like… are you really going on a canyon alpaca ride and goat cheese tasting? Or are you just pocketing that cash? No longer will I judge.