Thank you in advance for your cooperation in producing a set of twins for me. What? You believe this is up to God, the Universe, the laws of biology and endocrinology? Is that what you think? YOU WOULD. How will people know I’m hip and unique unless I follow through on my bucket list which I re-pinned from someone else’s bucket list along with 847 others? MAKE ME SOME TWINS ALREADY, YOU INSUBORDINATE SPHERES OF USELESSNESS.
One of each while you’re at it, thx. GET TO WORK. God. Idiots.
2. Hair Tutorials That Make No Sense
Umm, yea, I got none of that. I didn’t even make it past steps 1 & 2, wherein she is wielding a curling iron in frame 1 only to appear in frame 2 with straight frizzy hair. Bun is not in fact fun.
3. Pregnant Women I Hate
Who are you, Sam and Deesha Patel? I cannot wrap my mind around the level of self absorption that must be necessary for creating this nauseating train wreck of narcissistic celebration. I hope this trips a Google alert for your names and you’ll consider being less annoying during any future gestational periods.
4. Brides I Hate
Don’t be blinded by our love? I don’t even know what I would do if I went to a wedding and saw this stupid, saccharine sign, but I would start with barfing up the 9 chicken satay skewers I likely downed at your cocktail hour. I’m also insulted you think I would wear your fugly dollar store sunglasses. I wish you much marital strife and unhappiness.
5. Kids Who Will Never Know a Day of Hardship
Aww, how sweet. Your mom commemorated your last day of school with some sort of cutesy little banner. Adorable. Guess where this is going. I HATE YOU! When I was a kid, my “welcome to summer!” greeting was being sent to YMCA camp. Do you want to know what YMCA camp was like, little girl? We sat in pavilions. In the woods. Playing card games. All summer long. If we got tired of pavilion-sitting, our second choice was woods-roaming. I built my first lean-to by 11. SUCK IT.
HOLD UP. 50 fun things to do on a trampoline? IT’S A MF-ING TRAMPOLINE! I whined to my parents every day between years 7-14 for a trampoline and always got some BS line like “You’ll break your neck” or “The kid next door will break their neck” followed by “And then we’ll get sued and you’ll never go to college, is that what you want?”. So you mean to tell me there are kids out there who aren’t satisfied enough by their trampolines that they need additional fun things to do on them!? Ungrateful weasels!
Yep. I also hate you, drive in movie theme party kids.
And rock wall kid, you can go ahead and take a slab of synthetic granite to your orbit.
The DIY acronym is like catnip to every girl on the internet. It’s a perfectly reasonable and explanatory expression in the appropriate context, one which I use, but I am just so tired of seeing it fixated onto EVERYTHING. I DIYed this grilled cheese sandwich! I DIYed tying my shoes! I wrote “Mac Book” on this bread tag and put it on a power cord, OMG DIY!
WTF? Of course you DIYed this! IT’S YOUR HAND PRINT!
7. Hot Dogs
Is Pinterest secretly being held afloat by corporate donations from Hillshire Farms? Why is every third picture a portrait of some nasty hot dog concoction?
8. Other Disgusting Food
This reminds me of the night Chooch ate 4 mint chocolate brownies and I had to induce vomiting. Eww.
Here, let me fix this caption for you. “The Crockstar: The Absolute BEST arteriosclerosis recipe. For those nights when your family is too busy to gather around the salt lick.”
10. This Girl
Hi again. Cute scarf.
Hi. Still You. You can’t hide from me. I feel like a stalker being able to identify the back of your head, but I can’t help it your freaking noggin is all over the Pinterest main page every single day.
10. The Same Crap Over and Over
Yes, I know. 50 crockpot meals. 50 freezer meals. 50 seasonal localganic fat blasting super food smoothies under 100 calories. 50 Shades of Grey on your “books i like” board. 3 generations picture. Keep calm and _____. Autumn chopped salad. Melted crayons. Questionably sourced infographic. Nutella recipes. Pumpkin muffins. Pumpkin loaf. Pumpkin milkshake. PUMPKINS ARE LIFE. Eggs baked in muffin tins. Zucchini fries. Stacked bob. Textured bob. Short bob. Salads in jars. Fringe scarf. Teacher gifts. Ryan Gosling. And ARE YOU AWARE that you can glue glitter onto the heels of your shoes?!?!