Do not ask, but today I googled “Are Altoids bad for you?”. A seemingly boring query which, once again, revealed to me new and unprecedented depths of the Splendorous Wonder That Is The Internet. Because what did I turn up but some sketchy forum full of people legitimately addicted to Altoids. (Source)
Here is our original poster…
Can I relate? No. No sir. No I cannot. But I appreciate you “putting it out there.” I like Altoids. Altoids are my friend. When I’m feeling a little stale in the pie hole? Altoids. When I want a sweet fix that isn’t Hershey’s Assorted Miniatures (Family Val-U Size)? Altoids. But… umm… wow.
Now our girl is going to address this bad breath accusation…
LOL NO you guys she doesn’t have bad breath! Gawd what kind of person do you take her for? Homegirl, by my estimation you just ate 600 Altoids in 48 hours so I’d say you’d be lucky to have bad breath as your problem. Also, you should probably withhold your judgment being someone seeking help from an internet forum about your debilitating breath mint addiction.
I’m also beginning to suspect this whole thing is a sham and these people are plants from Altoids corporate given the suspicious marketing buzz-phrases “cold and refreshing feeling” line from the last person and the “cool, refreshing taste” from Trish. Trish’s analysis also lends itself to a possible new slogan: “Altoids: come for the cool, refreshing taste. Stay for the crunch”
No, I agree and actually do not believe there is anyone in the world who eats as many wintergreen Altoids than you. 6-12 cans. Rock that minty shyste.
This is where I gain a great deal of respect for the medical professionals that have to listen to the insane problems of the world with straight faces.
Doctor: Any other questions you had today?
JanieTheresa: Well, yes. Altoids. I eat about 1-2 cans per day… and that’s limiting myself.
Doctor: Hmm yes Altoids yes. Tell me more?
JanieTheresa: For me, I put about 4-5 Altoids in my mouth…
Doctor: Yes I see.
JanieTheresa: Crunch them up into small peices…
Doctor: Mm hmm crunch OK.
JanieTheresa: Swirl those peices around in my mouth…
Doctor: Yes yes. And after the swirling?
JanieTheresa: and then swallow.
Doctor: CHHRRMPPHHH SNORFLE I mean, that’s very interesting. Anything else?
Also did anyone else have a really inappropriate double take on “gentlearts”? Please don’t make me say it…
Let’s end on an uplifting note OK?!