Awkward · Holy Crap I Love the Internet · Useless Commentary · WTF

I Freaking Love the Internet

Do not ask, but today I googled “Are Altoids bad for you?”.  A seemingly boring query which, once again, revealed to me new and unprecedented depths of the Splendorous Wonder That Is The Internet.  Because what did I turn up but some sketchy forum full of people legitimately addicted to Altoids. (Source) 

Here is our original poster…

Can I relate? No.  No sir.  No I cannot.  But I appreciate you “putting it out there.”  I like Altoids.  Altoids are my friend.  When I’m feeling a little stale in the pie hole? Altoids.  When I want a sweet fix that isn’t Hershey’s Assorted Miniatures (Family Val-U Size)? Altoids.  But… umm… wow.

Just set… them down… and walk… away? WOW insightful advice, dude.  THANK YOU.  Actually I’m with Altoids Girl Trish on this.  You know the Sex and the City where Miranda eats the brownies out of the trash and then has to pour detergent on them to stop? I wept and felt a little less alone in the world.

Now our girl is going to address this bad breath accusation…

LOL NO you guys she doesn’t have bad breath! Gawd what kind of person do you take her for? Homegirl, by my estimation you just ate 600 Altoids in 48 hours so I’d say you’d be lucky to have bad breath as your problem.  Also, you should probably withhold your judgment being someone seeking help from an internet forum about your debilitating breath mint addiction.

I’m also beginning to suspect this whole thing is a sham and these people are plants from Altoids corporate given the suspicious marketing buzz-phrases “cold and refreshing feeling” line from the last person and the “cool, refreshing taste” from Trish.  Trish’s analysis also lends itself to a possible new slogan: “Altoids: come for the cool, refreshing taste.  Stay for the crunch”

No, I agree and actually do not believe there is anyone in the world who eats as many wintergreen Altoids than you.  6-12 cans.  Rock that minty shyste.

This is where I gain a great deal of respect for the medical professionals that have to listen to the insane problems of the world with straight faces.

Doctor: Any other questions you had today?
JanieTheresa: Well, yes.  Altoids.  I eat about 1-2 cans per day… and that’s limiting myself.
Doctor: Hmm yes Altoids yes.  Tell me more?
JanieTheresa: For me, I put about 4-5 Altoids in my mouth…
Doctor: Yes I see.
JanieTheresa: Crunch them up into small peices…
Doctor: Mm hmm crunch OK.
JanieTheresa: Swirl those peices around in my mouth…
Doctor: Yes yes.  And after the swirling?
JanieTheresa: and then swallow.
Doctor: CHHRRMPPHHH SNORFLE I mean, that’s very interesting.  Anything else?
JanieTheresa: Mmmmmm!

PSSHH get OUT… Insensitive troll…

Also did anyone else have a really inappropriate double take on “gentlearts”? Please don’t make me say it…

Let’s end on an uplifting note OK?!

FWD: TLC Production Department.


6 thoughts on “I Freaking Love the Internet

  1. This is SUCH a good find. This forum needs a “trigger warning” and a “graphic content” warning. The pornographic description of chewing Altoids could only have been made more sultry if she used the word “mastication.”

  2. Okay! How does this not have hundreds of likes and comments? Simply hilarious. The conversation with the Dr — my kids had to come in and check if I was alright !!! Can you sell these bits to famous stand-up comics? They NEED material like this!!

  3. Yikes!! I feel a little stupid actually admitting to this here, but I too have somewhat of an addiction to Wintergreen (Breath Saver) Mints. I buy them in the giant bags and eat them fairly regularly.

    I do not eat as many as the ladies in the chat room admit to eating. though I do keep them in my purse in case I want one here and there throughout the day.

    The reason I am commenting though, is that I also have battled with anemia most of my life and have always had the awful habit of ice chewing (a sign of having anemia), as in craving mint flavors, such as in chocolate mint ice-cream, thin mint cookies, York peppermint paddy candy, etc. Except that breath mints seem to be the only actual food product with mint flavoring that does not also include chocolate. I myself am not a big fan of chocolate, and so it makes sense that I would rather have the breath mints.

    So, my suggestion is that there might actually be a correlation to chewing ice versus chewing Altoids (or other wintergreen flavored mints) that have a “cool, refreshing taste” and “crunch”, as does ice, and therefore, these addicts may actually be onto something and might have broken the code of why they are addicted to the “cool, refreshing taste” and “crunch” of wintergreen Altoids, etc.

    Don’t laugh, this is a real struggle! (and yes, I am laughing as I type this, however, that doesn’t make it less of a struggle).

  4. And please do not take my comment in any way suggestive that I didn’t thoroughly enjoy the blog here… I love it, and it made me laugh.. but it also made me realize that my struggle with Breath Savers may be related to my battle with anemia, and that is very real. lol

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