OK, not gonna lie, I’m kind of in love with our beagle-for-the-week Molly. Even if we did lose a great deal of sleep on Tuesday night due to her anxiety shenanigans. I was also whining to our Dog Nanny CEO (Yo Des!) about the abject horror that is walking two dogs simultaneously, to which she told me I’d “get used to it and then want 2 babies!!” and I was like “lololololololol NEVER, this is insufferable misery and I was very close to bludgeoning myself unconscious with a full poop baggie if it would have made the walk end sooner” and 30 hours later I’m singing a different tune. You know what’s more cute than 1 doggie greeting you at the door crying and begging for a tummy rub? Two of the little furry effers! I’m already thinking of excuses to give her parents so I can secretly hoard her forever. “Welcome back! UMM I suppose you are looking for Molly? That sucks cause we lost her. SORR.”
The self check-out at the grocery store. How have I not whined about that thing yet!? The self check-out machine and I have a long-standing love/hate relationship. Mostly hate. Mostly murderous rage.
The thing is so tempting isn’t it? I always remind myself of my long and decorated history of FAIL with the self check-out machine when I’m tempted to use it. Like the other week when I got in line (traditional human check-out line) behind an older gentleman in a fedora buying 1) cotton balls and 2) a Twix bar. (True story, not just 2 arbitrary items I was making up, that was apparently his list). And I’m saying to myself OKAY. All my instincts are telling me to run, run far away BUT homeslice has 2 items. This has to be a quick transaction. Stick it out in the lane run by a human with an actual brain and cognitive abilities.
People, let me save you the fuss. No judgement here, but fedora+cotton balls+Twix=trouble. I waited for like 9 minutes while who knows what happened up there. BUT then you get in the stupid self check-out lane and your odds are no better.
I swear if that thing tells me one more time to remove a non-existent item from the belt, replace a non-existent item on the scanner, present my ID for the 5th time to buy whatever crappy wine is on sale that day, or to “Please wait! Help is on the way!”, I WILL cut someone. Honestly, if the stupid machine is not interested in assisting me that day, I wish it would just let me know. You know, like instead of “Welcome! Please scan your bonus card!” it could just say “NOPE. WALK AWAY. NOT TODAY.” I would at least appreciate the honesty.
Also hating: My stupid computer “updated” itself in the stealth of night while I was powerless to postpone it. For the record, I will do most things short of sacrificing my life to avoid computer updates. Like The Oatmeal, I delight in tricking the thing into thinking I’ll maybe someday indulge it with its coveted updates. Like, I will click “Remind Me Later” every week for 5 years until the effer pulls a fast one on me and updates and restarts itself at 3:00am. ANYWAY it pulled that devious little maneuver on me and now I am stuck with some new-fangled Internet Explorer and MY PINTEREST MAGIC PIN-IT BUTTON IS GONE. First world problems of epic proportions, I’m aware. I spent like 20 minutes trying t0 restore it and it just seems to be bugg-y for me. Microsoft, y’all better get ON this. Or, I should maybe get over it and employ some coping skills. Maybe.