Gather Round Children It's Story Time

Dispatches from Dog-Sitting Hell: Night 1 with Molly the Beagle

11:19  Good night moon!
11:20  Lights off.
11:21  Fan purrs.  Gentle rustling sounds as humans and beagles quietly snuggle into bed.
11:23  …
11:24  …
11:24  …
11:25  aarr…………….
11:25  arr arr…………..
11:26  ………aaarr……………… aaaaaaaaarrrr……….
11:28  aaar arrr arr arr aaaarr aaarr arrr aaaaaarrrrrrr………………….
11:30  “What’s…. what’s going on? She’s going to quit with that right?”
11:34  aaarrr arr arr arrrrrrrrrr……………..
11:39  “Does she need to go to the bathroom?”
11:39  “She just went 30 minutes ago and we followed her Gremlin-esque care instructions and she didn’t have any water afterwards, so, no I can’t imagine she does need to go.”
11:42  arrrrrrrr………………..
11:43  “Maybe she just wants let out of the crate?”
11:43  “If they told us she sleeps in the crate, Jeffrey, she should probably stay in the crate, Jeffrey.”
11:45  aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr….rrrrrrrrrrrr…..arrrrrrrrr…..
11:47  “FINE let her out”
11:49  *pitter patter pitter patter* arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr *pitter patter pitter patter* arrrrr arrrrrrrr  arrrrrrrrrrr……
11:52  Lights on.
11:55  Chooch has now moved into Molly’s crate.  Molly is huddled in the corner looking so scared and pathetic that we experience extreme self hatred for any angry feelings we may have directed to her in our minds.
12:00  “Ugh I’ll take her out.”
12:02  …
12:05  …
12:07  …
12:10  “Well she made a wizzle so maybe she did just need to go to the bathroom! I believe our problems are solved! Good night!”
12:10  Lights off.
12:11  …
12:12  …
12:13  “See Jeff she’s fine now, you should have listened to me back at 11:39”
12:13  …………………………..aaaa…….
12:13 NO PLEASE
12:14  ………..aaa………………………
12:14  DON’T DO IT
12:14  ………rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr……aarrrrrrr arr arr arr arrrrrrr………
12:14  “Any other ideas there, Cesar? You see what I did there, I called you Cesar, like the dog whisperer, because you thought you fixed everything, but you didn’t, which is why it’s funny.”
12:15  “Shut it Jeff.”
12:16  arrrr arr arrr arrr arr arrrrrrrrrrr arrr arr  arrr arr ………
12:17  “Oh I know, try the white noise app”
12:18  “Actually that’s not a bad idea”
12: 20  arrrrrrrr arrr arrrrrrrrr *wave crashing* arrr arrr arrrrrrrrrr *whoooosh wave on the sand* arr arr arr arrrrr…….*wave crashing*
12:23  “Ugh.  Maybe the TV? Human voices?”
12:26  ♫ My eyes are getting weary ♫….. arrrrrrrrrrrrr……… ♫ My back is getting tight ♫….. arrrrr arr arrrr….♫ I’m sitting here in traffic on the Queensborough Bridge tonight ♫….. arrrrrr arr arrrr……..
12:30  arrr arrrrrrrrrr….
12:31  arrr arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr……..
12:35  ♫ Cause baby all my life I will be coming home to you ♫…. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr arr arr arrr arrrrrrr…………
12:39  “Jeff why don’t you just go sleep downstairs.” (#Martyr wifey)
12:40  “Just put some fleece on, it’s freaking freezing down there” (#Maybe not so much)
12:41  Lights on.
12:42  arrrrrrr arrr arrrrrrr…..
12:44  arrr arr arrr arr arr arrrrrrrrr….
12:45  Lights off.
12: 46  arrrrrrrrrrrrr arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr……
12:48  Google: “dog crying at night separation anxiety”
12:49  arrrrrrrrr….arrrrrrrrrr arr arrr……
12:51  Google: “dog crying at night in crate will not stop”
12:53  arrrrrr arr arr arr arr arr arr arrrr…
12:55  Google: “dog crying all night in crate will not stop need immediate solution”
12:57  arrrrrr arr arr arr arr arr arr arr arr arr arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr……….
12:59  Moooolllyyyyyyyy………..
1:00  arrr arr arrr arrrr……..
1:01  arrr arrr arr arr arr arrrrrr arr…..
1:03  Mollyyyyyyyyy PLEEEASSSE……. What do you want from me……. No, I don’t know where your parents are…. Maybe they went to Fort Lauderdale, maybe they left you here forever with Chooch the deranged eater of tampons and vaseline, I don’t know.
1:05  arr arr arrrr arrrrrrr arrr arr arr arr arrrrrrrr……
1:07  MOLLY GTF TO SLEEP
1:08  arrrrrrrrrrrooooooo……….arrrrOOOO! OOOO! (whining gives way to desperate high pitched squeals)
1:09  oooOOOOOOoooo! arrrrrOOOooo!
1:10  DOES ANYONE KNOWWW WHERE THE LOVE OF GOD GOOOOESS WHEN THE WAVES TURN THE MINUTES TO HOURS…….
1:11  arrrrrrrrrOO! OOOO! OOOOOO!!!
1:12  CRY IT OUT MOLLS YOU CAN DO IT!
1:13  arrrrrOOOO! arrrrrrrrOOOO!! arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrOO! OOOOooooOOOO!
1:14  arrrrrrr… arrr arr arrrrrrrrr….
1:14  arrrrr…………………
1:15  arr…..
1:15  …
1:16  a….rrr…….
1:16  …
1:17  *exhausted whimper* 
1:17  …
1:18  …
1:18  *snore*
1:19  …
1:19  …
1:19  …
1:20  *snorfle*
1:20  …
1:20  …
1:21  Fin.
 
Parents: Is this what infants are like? I have serious concerns for the Becker genetic line… 
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8 thoughts on “Dispatches from Dog-Sitting Hell: Night 1 with Molly the Beagle

  1. We once dog sat a border collie that did this ALL night…for 3 WEEKS. That is when we stopped hosting dogs. Max is better than that dog. at least he stops to go to sleep. Even when it was just two hour stretches it was better.

  2. Oh the humanity! Sleep deprivation sucks. Molly’s owners owe you bigtime for putting you through beagle hell. Next time, if you have a garage you can stick her in there if she starts making a ruckus in the middle of the night. That’s what I used to fantasize doing with my son when he was an infant and wouldn’t go to sleep.

  3. Based on a very similar experience……
    Is Molly a mexican dog? Are her owners a pilot and his wife?

    The story goes:
    We have a beagle (male) named Kouga. And live in Mexico City.
    A few years ago during a stroll we met a beagle girl. Molly.

    Talking led to a propposed litter. And Molly came over our house……..

    The rest looks a lot like your account of the night with Molly.

    The very next morning she went back home and the litter remained a project.

    🙂

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