I’ve pretty much come to believe that if you’re a female, under the age of 90, with vital signs and mammary glands, you need to accept that men will start random conversations with you on public transportation. It will be a part of your life. I’ve seen it happen to everyone. And if you’re carrying anything out of the ordinary with you? You know, sort of like a convenient handheld…. conversation starter? Girlfriend keep your head DOWN!
Like, I accept the higher risk when I’m carrying around a large parcel (“Heavy load for a little lady! Need help?”), food (“Hey is that for me? Well thanks!”), etc. Once, long story, I was carrying a Jack-o-Lantern, and resigned myself to the fact that there was no way I was getting to work without somebody making a dumb remark. Y’all… I made it almost all the way there, was like 45 seconds to the promise land, when some idiot comes up and says “Hey nice Jack-o-Lantern. Next time you should just carve your profile in it.”
Once on the bus, when I was wearing a houndstooth skirt, some dude goes “Did you go to Alabama?” I figured he thought he knew me or something, and I said no I had not, and he said “Oh. I thought you did, because the pattern on your skirt is what the basketball coach always wears. He’s like known for it.” Ummmm…. K? Sorry, coincidence? And OK one last stupid story, and OK technically this was at Chop’t, but I was wearing a green sweater, their walls are green, and a guy goes “I see you wanted to match the walls today!”
COME ON! I forgive you for taking the pumpkin lure, and EVEN for my mistake of daring to wear a pattern, but all I did was put on a GREEN SWEATER for God’s sake.
My only dream in life is that someday I can drive to work in my own personal vehicle where nobody can pester me and I can rock out to Air Supply, or listen to Emily Giffin books on tape, or make dentist appointments in privacy. All you folks out there with that privilege, appreciate that crap.
ANYWAY. Geez I always come on here wanting to say one little thing and end up thinking of a million other stories relating to it. Focus. I no has it. Anyway again. Tonight. I was on the bus reading innocently. (And another thing, why do people feel they can interrupt if you’re reading or have headphones in!? Closed for business!) And this dude next to me goes “I see you’re still reading print!” Now I exercised great restraint and didn’t tell him that I thought e-readers could lead to the demise of society as we know it, and instead chose the more PC “Yep… heh heh!”
Then he says “Yea I just got the Kindle Fire. Let me show you this special case I use for it.” And I’m like are you SERIOUS not only do I have to suffer through feigned affection for e-readers but now their accessories?! And out of his bag he pulls….
Some sort of plastic packaging with some sort of label that says something like “Men’s Briefs- 3 Pack” with a little undie graphic on it.
OH DEAR GOD he meant to show me his stupid Kindle case and accidentally pulled out empty underwear packaging. I’m so embarrassed for both of us right now. MAKE IT STOP.
Why is he still holding this in front of me!??!!? WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!?
OH MY GOD IT’S THE PUNCHLINE I get it I get it OK.
“Oh! Haha! Well isn’t that funny,” I belatedly reply. “Very high tech!”