Vent

A Letter to the Gym

I am super fed up with my gym and sent them this email tonight.  I will of course let you know what I hear from them and reveal their identity if my demands go unmet.  Mwahahaha! (Or as they say in The Muppet Movie… “Maniacal laugh……Maniacal laugh!…….Maniacal laugh!!!!)

_______________________

 
Hi Member Services. 
 
WE GOT ISSUES.
 
Let me tell you a story here.  For storytelling facilitation I’ll give away the ending, which is that for the second week in a row, we had no instructor and no 6:30pm Monday spin class.
 
To rewind a tiny bit.  My husband and new-found domestic workout buddy is a brand new member of yours, having just joined two weeks ago after a positive spin class experience that he attended on a guest pass from me. 
 
I cannot tell you what a big deal that is, Member Services! Cannot tell you! I had to apply ZERO follow up nagging here!  He had a good time and very graciously coughed up his credit card for you people, with the understanding he would be making many more positive spinning memories in the future. 
 
So then last week, we show up all ready and excited like happy little [redacted gym name] members, except 10 minutes past when the class was supposed to start, we’re still sitting there aimlessly spinning on our little bikes, like wayward little lambs out to pasture without a spinning instructor.  Some clueless front desk person finally came in and told us “Oh by the way, this class is cancelled.”  And then cluelessly walked back out.
 
WTF DUDE. 
 
Tonight, we showed up again for class, and were AGAIN left alone and abandoned until someone actually went to the front desk and reported that it looked liked class was “cancelled” again. 
 
OK, the thing is, I COULD have very easily forgiven this if it was an isolated occurrence.  I am THE most forgiving person on your entire membership roster, I guarantee that.  I mean, I am really fired up about this yet the extent of my anger expression is this snarky email.  So if you’re on the receiving end of a snarky email from me, you know you’ve got a SERIOUS customer relations problem on your hands.   
 
But my well of mercy done run dry with you people! You know why? Because I used to frequent your Yoga classes until this exact pattern happened then, too.  A no-show instructor, followed by a SECOND week of no-show instructor, because apparently even though that person was SEVEN DAYS LATE FOR WORK, nobody thought to, you know, follow up! Honestly I have been to your facility maybe like 15-20 times, a whopping 4 of which were to attend classes that never happened.  That is a REALLY ABHORRENT rate! 
 
Do you know that by the second week of failed Yoga class we were so fed up that myself and another gentleman attempted to teach the class ourselves?! More on this later, FRIEND.
 
Let’s further explore the depths of my mercy.  I would have walked away from all of this feeling a LOT better about my customer service experience had any of the following happened:
 
1.  The class was removed from the online schedule.
 
2.  As a local member, I got some kind of email alert saying the class for that night was cancelled.  Do you know how many spam emails I get from you folks on a daily basis!? I ALREADY belong! You ALREADY get my money! And yet every day I’m being asked to Add a Workout Buddy! Get a Trainer! 5% Cash Back If You Pay with Discover! I even get creepy stalker emails saying “We see were at the gym last night… care to take a survey about your experience?” Hi, no, here is a free one-person focus group.  Spare me the crap and just freaking give me some kind of notice if classes are cancelled, turdballs!  
 
3.  There was even some sort of minimal degree of quality control here, maybe for instance that an employee confirms instructors are there and group classes are underway at their scheduled times?! How many zillions of dollars is your company pulling in and that is not on anyone’s freaking checklist? During all 4 of these incidents, it was the actual attendees that had to confusedly wander out to the front desk to ask what the heck was going on.  (And as mentioned, nobody knew what the heck was going on).
 
And I just want to stress once again how fragile your relationship is with this humble narrator and her spouse.  My husband? He joined for the exact purposes of going to these classes and his first two as a paying member have not come to fruition.  His confidence in your corporation is pretty low right now.  Myself? I passed up two gyms closer to our house because they didn’t have group classes and I’m too lazy for a self-directed routine.  However I must say if this nonsense continues I suspect I may be finding some motivation to change my habits. 
 
BUT because I’m merciful, like I mentioned, I’m willing to negotiate.  If you meet the following conditions within 7 business days of receipt of this message, my household will keep our memberships and give you another chance:
 
1.  I want both of our membership fees for November refunded.
 
2.  I want a $10 credit for faux-teaching that Yoga class over the summer and bailing your disorganized arses out.
 
If you fail to meet the conditions in the prescribed time, we revoke our membership AND the following things happen:
 
1.  I get on Yelp and unleash the fury.  And this so-called “Twitter”.  If I can figure it out.  Whichever one I figure out first.  Facebook too.  I’m positive my social networking disapproval will send your corporation crashing to a halt.  Dump the stock now. 
 
2.  I publicly denounce you on my blog.  Yea that’s right.  Get your Public Relations executive on the line.  FEAR ME.  It’s the 346,968th most popular on the internet according to statistics from “bloglovin.com” so you know I command the attention of thousands of impressionable consumers.  And by thousands I mean 3 or 4.  But impressionable consumers DO read Yelp and Twitter I already said I’d trash you there per item #1.
 
Otay, Member Services.  Thanks and I appreciate you listening.  I hope we can work this out.  If you need any further information to meet my demands feel free to reply to this email address.   
 
Toodles–
 
Sarah
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8 thoughts on “A Letter to the Gym

  1. Man, I am so sorry you had this experience. On the flip side, your witty self has entertained me and I got a few chuckles from your story telling. You crack me up!! Did you see the new Muppet movie? Miss ya! Hope this story has a good ending. See you this weekend at teacher training.

  2. Priceless. I hope my Wedding Idea Pinterest-ing has made you as gleeful as this post just made me. Please please please tell me you sent that EXACT e-mail, verbatim?!?

  3. I want to write this very email to my gym as well!!! Their aerobics instructors are pure TRASH, and I experienced this very exact same happening a few weeks ago at a lunch time weight lifting class. HMMPH! Mind if I do some borrowing???

  4. Thanks all you guys…. you’re too funny!!! YES I wasn’t lying, I sent this exact thing to them! Jenn- Yes we saw the Muppets over the weekend! Amazing! Leigh- yes your wedding pins do in fact make me SUPER gleeful…Shari- please steal away and bring down the evil instructors!!

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