Useless Commentary

Anatomy of Umbrella Possession

It rained again today.  I swear every time it rains I become convinced it is the rainiest stretch of weather of my entire life.  And then well-meaning people make casual talk in elevators and say “Wet out there, huh!” and I over-respond with “OMIGOD I know I KNOW! Is it just me or has it never rained this much EVER?!” And then they nervously let out a “right, heh heh” and desperately dig for a smart phone to divert their attention to.

But really I think it just feels that way when you’re running around miserable and wet all the time because you never have your life together enough to have an umbrella when it’s raining.  I’ve just come to believe it won’t ever happen for me.  I mean, most days I can manage to do my hair and fake my way through a put together existence, but nothing shatters that facade and announces to the world “Yep, I’m a disaster!!” like sprinting down the street holding a commuter paper over your head alongside throngs of perfectly coiffed DC girls with Wellies and Burberry umbrellas. 

And of course Jeff, the lover of rules, is, as you may have guessed, the opposite kind of person who somehow knows when it’s going to rain and is always ready with his umbrella, usually even a respectable looking umbrella that isn’t just metal spikes with a clump of nylon hanging off it.  Which is another variation of my embarrassing relationship with umbrellas.  And then he’s like,  “Well Sarah of course I have an umbrella, it was supposed to rain today!” And I’m like how am I supposed to know it was supposed to rain today? Who am I, GOD?! Or some sort of closet meteorologist?

Knowing if it’s supposed to rain involves watching the news.  Can I tell you how much I am over the news? Why would you watch the news unless you just wanted to invite depression into your life? Obviously I’m aware there’s terrible things going on in the world, I don’t need the news to illustrate it for me in gut-wrenching detail.  Like the other day I caught 4 minutes of CNN while out for lunch, and the story was that 5 decapitated human heads were found outside a school in Mexico.  And THAT my friends, is why I don’t watch the news.  And why I get rained on.  And why I’ll never go to Mexico!

Secondly: I am sprinting out the door every morning to get the bus and 2 minutes to track down an umbrella is NOT a luxury I can accommodate.  Why does it take so long to find my umbrella?! Because my umbrella du jour is NEVER AROUND…

Problem 3 is that I only resort to tracking down an umbrella in the direst of circumstances.  As an optimist, I irrationally convince myself that it’s not going to rain even when it’s extremely, extremely ominous outside.  Because grabbing an umbrella is just throwing in the towel and willing the universe to precipitate, obviously.  As long as I believe it will clear up, the hope lives on.  It’s possible I’m confusing optimism and denial in this instance.  But I’m going to choose to not acknowledge that.

And there you have another chapter in my autobiography.  As always, may it make you feel a little better about yours.  🙂    



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