Food · Useless Commentary

Dear Chopt: I Want to Marry You and Have 48 of Your Lettucey Babies

Today I’d like to weave an ode of love for the salad place known as Chopt.  OMG I LOVE CHOPT. 

For those who live in a sad, bleak, joy-less void, otherwise known as a Chopt-deprived geographic region: Chopt is a salad bar type place where you pick out your selected fixins and they, well, CHOP them up using one of these thingies:

So, the result is not so much a salad as it is a salad puree, so never again will you reach the end of a salad and curse the Gods because your math failed and you ate the ingredients at disproportionate rates, leaving you with the dreaded Single Ingredient Surplus.  Is there anything worse than being left with a plate full of parmesan shavings that could have been SO well served affixed to their little romaine buddies, but are instead staring pathetically up at you from their dressing-drenched heap?! TRAVESTY!

The short story is that their salads are, basically, an orgasm in a plastic to go container.  I love Chopt so much that if someone presented me with a choice of Chopt salad or plate of french fries, I would give it a few seconds of thought before plunging my face into the french fries.  Just kidding! Just kidding? Just kidding.  Ahem.  That’s the thing! It’s a SALAD that’s on a yummy scale comparable to something that should be oozing palm oil or sugar crystals or hydrogenated things.  Sign me UP!

Here is what my day looks like if I go to Chopt:

The only downside I can possibly think of is that it is, sadly, an expensive addiction.  Though, to put on my Obnoxious Whole Foods Shopper hat for a second (sorry, SORRY, I know), I don’t so much mind paying more because I know their food is fresh, natural, reputably sourced, and hasn’t been sitting on a Sysco truck for 3 weeks.  AND they do have a frequent salad-er program where every 10th is free, so really you’re paying a dollar or so less for your first nine.  And then on the 10th you can go all Daddy Wharbucks and load up on shrimp and exotic cheeses. 

But even so there’s a limit to how much of my disposable income I can dedicate to salads.  (Yea I know, life’s not fair).  So, the scoop is you come in at a base price and get 4 free add-ins, and then each of the proteins and the deluxe-er items have a surcharge.  Based on this formula, I’ve worked very hard experimenting and finessing my strategy and coming up with two RIDICULOUS, world-shattering ingredient combinations, utilizing only one surcharged item.  

It is my solmen duty to humanity to now share my findings.

Note: Chimichurri dressing (RIP) was my former favorite for this.  It has been tragically discontinued.  If any of my 7 readers happens to be a Chopt executive….please bring it back?

And my other recommendation…

Once I added craisins and walnuts to this salad and WHOA my gosh.  Ridiculous.   Unfortunately that also pushed it way over budget, so I recommend the Craisin Nuclear Option only if you are independently wealthy, cashing in your free 10th salad, just need a little love after a really bad day, or if you have a fever and the only prescription is more craisins.

At any rate…. thank you Chopt for all that you do to bring happiness, joy, and dietary fiber to me and my fellow Americans.  As long as you continue to provide me with emulsified produce goodness, my offer to bear your children remains in effect.  Think about it?


4 thoughts on “Dear Chopt: I Want to Marry You and Have 48 of Your Lettucey Babies

  1. Great post. Chopt is heaven and I continue to feed my addiction, despite my desparate longing for the also-discontinued Tabasco Ranch (RIP).

  2. why did they discontinue the chimichurri dressing! I had to completely switch to the fall classic over the steakhouse.

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