Useless Commentary

Responsibility Champion Vs. The Sea Cucumber

Ugh.  Mondays be ROUGH! I always have a tough time getting back into the week, which I blame on this delightful quality I possess: two speed functionality.  On and Off.  Either I’m on FIRE and totally rocking at life, or I’m an amoebic waste of space.  Dr. Phil says everything moves by momentum, so usually I find that a positive event will start me on the yellow brick road of accomplishment, and a negative/overwhelming event will send me down the trail of uselessness.

The author of Hyperbole and a Half created this awesome image which I bestow as my desktop background when I’m doing well at life:

[responsibility+champion.png]

Here is a chart I created to demonstrate how this  theory manifests itself in my everyday life:

Life Component

Responsibility Champion Sarah

Sea Cucumber Sarah

House Stayed up till midnight executing four-phase cleaning of the floors.  Cleaned molding and produce drawers in fridge.  Dishwasher purrs gently in the background. Seriously just bring the catalog photographers over now cause it’s never getting cleaner than this. Garbage disposal smells like 4 day old garlic.  A thin lacquer of beagle hair rests atop the couch.  All purses and bras I own are distributed equitably among the various door knobs in the house.  Plants desperately gasp for hydration.
Diet Jeff [7:15pm]: What’s for dinner? Me: Why, some omega-rich salmon which I conscientiously marinated for 18 hours, fresh vegetables from Whole Foods, and a side salad! (batting housewife doe-eyes)  May I bring you a drink or an appetizer? Jeff [11:08pm]: What’s for dinner? Me: Oh… uhh….I can give you this jar of peanut butter and serving spoon when I’m done with it?
Appearance Fingers/toes perfectly painted.  Hair flat ironed and bangs meticulously coiffed.  Accessories selected with care. Fugly wet hair in the morning becomes fugly limp hair in the afternoon.  Big toenail sports a pencil eraser-sized blotch of polish.  I overcompensate for my unattractiveness with excessive blush application a la Ronald McDonald.
Exercise Jog! Jog with extra distance! Yoga! MORE OF THE JOGGING! Oh CRAP broken escalator… you mean I have to walk up this? As in, with my legs? WHEEZE…
Social Grace Important dates are recognized with cards that arrive on time.  Wedding gifts sent months in advance.  Nice gestures acknowledged with thank you notes. Inbox overflows with emails I really should respond to.  Important dates recognized with texts at 11:00pm.
Sleep Habits Well hello! It seems I’ve found myself awake 10 minutes before my alarm is scheduled to go off! Why, I suppose I will get up now! It shall be wonderful having extra time to get ready! 6:20: Snooze. 6:30: Snooze. 6:40: PHONE WHY ARE YOU MAKING THESE SOUNDS AT ME???? 6:50 QUIT IT PHONE 7:00 FINE YOU WIN I’M GETTING UP.  Just give me a few seconds to lay here and get my bearings.  Dismiss.  7:40 CRAAAAPPPP
Skin/Dental Upkeep Yawn… bed time! Floss, fluoride, patiently brush each tooth nook and cranny.  Remove makeup, wash and moisturize face, moisturize lips, comb hair to ease morning detangling. Fall asleep on couch and wake up at 1:00 am in a zombie-like state.  Drag self up stairs and force self to brush teeth for 10 seconds.  Wake up with eye makeup smeared on face, hair now hasn’t been combed in 16 hours and looks like a condor nest.
Weekend Leisure Activities Ahh, it feels great getting a shower after a day of productivity.  Now I’m going to put my hair in a towel turban, wear cute pajamas, and retire to my reading nook with a cup of tea.  Life is swell! Un-showered self sprawled on (fur-ridden) couch.  THESE 39 DVRed EPISODES OF 16 AND PREGNANT ARE NOT GOING TO WATCH THEMSELVES
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