Useless Commentary

This Is Why You’re Single

So, Jeff and I are urbane folk and as such are subscribed to the weekend edition of the Washington Post.  No, actually, we do it for the coupons, but the former has a better ring to it, doesn’t it? Included in this is the newspaper’s magazine, which has this great weekly feature entitled “Date Lab,” where it seems people declare their interest to the newspaper, they make a match, pay for the two to have a date, interview them afterwards, and then print the fallout for all of us to enjoy and in this case, ridicule!

The comical thing is that the people NEVER hit it off, it’s really very sad! Usually the interviews are at least amicable, but this one from a few weeks ago was HILARIOUSLY mean-spirited.  Let’s meet Lisa the accountant and Michael the entrepreneur slash nutritionist, who are meeting at a “treetop adventure course”…

I don’t know about you, but I didn’t even make it past the headline without nearly gagging up my breakfast.  After swinging in the trees, will they fall into each other’s arms? WHAT?! I can only PRAY that the author was being deliberately over-the-top for humorous purposes.  If that was an actual serious attempt at headline writing…. wow.  We got issues.  But, back on topic, as far as we can tell we are working with two seemingly normal, happy-looking people, right? Now the paper will ask them some profile-type questions so we can get to know our protagonists better….

Q: Dream date?

WOW.  Lisa.  OK! Let’s go with this! Romantic AND gorgeous AND intelligent AND funny? How many men have you met, exactly? Does anyone out there know a man who is BOTH romantic AND funny? I think your choices are either serious and romantic or funny and clueless, girlfriend.  “Gorgeous” is a tall order as well, don’t you think? Not cute or handsome or attractive-in-a-John-Cusack-kind-of-way?  I mean Lisa is obviously a pretty little thing but I don’t know that I would say GORGEOUS on my first pass…. let’s box our weight there, champ! This is not even my main gripe with this gem of an excerpt.  On top of being the above four conditions, Lisa also expects you to go to bed and wake up at her prescribed times, and be INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY so her accountant arse can RETIRE EARLY.  So much for what’s inside!

OK, fair enough here, but take note of her spiked hair and shaved legs remark.  FORESHADOWING…

Oh my gosh… SHE’S SO MEAN! Sorry, if I met someone from Pennsylvania in DC I will 100% of the time identify myself as a co-Pennsylvanian and find out where exactly they’re from.  I thought that was, like, social interaction 101.  And this poor guy is getting happy hours and tango lessons held against him!? Her relationship prerequisite is ability to finance an “extreme” Kilimanjaro expedition and HAPPY HOUR is too much activity for her!?

OK Mr. Board of Directors, you’re not doing much for me either…

Alright, now I guess I would be annoyed too if someone assumed I didn’t know what PITA was, but based on her snootie-patootie-ness I am not convinced the scene went down exactly as she is describing.  Sadly all good things must come to an end…

Yea, Mike, I’ve about had my fill of you, big fella.  Also, you should know that the Snuggle fabric softener bear has 213,000 facebook friends.   BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE…

OUCH! Hair gel as a deal breaker!? A deal breaker for being FACEBOOK FRIENDS? Sweet Lord.  And she’s not willing to overlook shaved legs on a TRIATHLETE? 

Sigh.  Lisa.  This random internet stranger thinks you are probably a very sweet woman and hopes you will come to your senses soon! And for planning purposes, remember 32 is, like, 41 in accountant years! Good luck out there, dudette!


4 thoughts on “This Is Why You’re Single

  1. I actually have neighbors who met through Date Lab….only they weren’t set up by the post. The girl read about his date with someone else in the article and really liked him and it so happened a friend knew the guy and introduced them. They got married last year! (they tell the story much better 🙂 )

  2. HA! Rebekah no way! I have such a better impression of project Date Lab after hearing that!! And agreed Michele… meow….

  3. omfg your commentary to this article was hysterical! i can’t stop asking myself what kind of hair products does lisa use? and why did she rate this date a 4 out of 5 that is on the high side, probably bc she doesn’t have many dates so it’s top two out of two. LOL thanks for sharing!

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